The Memory Potion
by Gilderoy-Hater
Summary: It began as a normal detention with Severus Snape and Harry Potter. Then a series of owl deliveries changed everything...
1. Chapter 1

"-as mediocre, arrogant and woefully stupid as your father." Severus Snape was telling Harry, who yet again had detention.

"Whatever you think, Professor." Harry said, knowing it would not be wise to challenge his words.

"It's not a_ claim_, Potter, its pure_ fact_. Actually, its-"

Suddenly, an owl flew into the classroom, dropped off a book, then left.

"Potter, is this yours?" Snape asked. The book was titled** Never Say Die**.

"No, Professor." Harry said truthfully.

Snape flipped the book over and read the blurb.

**Harry performs a strip tease for Severus in the dungeons while everybody else sleeps.**

The potions master and the Boy Who Lived froze in shock. "POTTER! Did you write this?"

"No, sir." Harry insisted. Snape took out his wand and did a Truth-Telling Charm. Nothing the boy had said was a lie.

Snape opened the book. He and Harry began reading.

**Never Say Die**

**Thornangel**

**Tootsiesmile**

**Rating: R**

**S/H**

**Warning: SLASH**

**Harry performs a strip tease for Snape in the dungeons while everyone is asleep in their beds.**

**I don't own the song lyrics or the characters. The songs sung by Dixie Chicks and the characters belong to J.K. Rowling (who's a total genius)**

**Never Say Die**

**Harry snuck down the dark hallways leading down to the musty dungeons. It was late at night and everybody else was sleeping. He was wearing his invisibility cloak, just in case he ran into Filch or his bloody cat. He had run into them too many times for comfort in his past years. And served too many detentions because of it.**

**He had reached a large oak door and placed his hand on it. He paused and looked up and down the hallway making sure the way was clear. He pushed it open and it made a small creaking sound as it did. He slipped through. He stood still. Severus Snape was sitting there, watching the door with dark coal like eyes.**

**Harry knew he couldn't see him because he was still wearing the invisibility cloak. "Harry, stop hiding." The soft voice commanded. Harry grinned and let the hood fall. Revealing is head but not the rest of him. Snape growled in frustration. He got up and made his way towards Harry. But Harry walked forward and pushed him until he landed on the bed with a small oomph.**

**"I promised you a show, and you'll get one." Harry smiled and walked away, he looked over his still invisible shoulder to make sure Snape staid on the bed.**

**Snape sat on the bed watched as Harry's head floated over to the side of the room. He watched as a small stereo popped into view and he sat it down. "Ready?" Harry asked smirking. Snape glared at him and nodded. Harry chuckled and turned the tape on.**

**It took a minute for the sound to come out but finally it did.**

**Lying next to you in the dark**

**I can feel your beating heart**

**You've been here beside me through the test of time**

**Snape gaped as Harry let the invisibility cloak fall. Harry was wearing black boots that came up to half of his calf. Mesh stockings and short black leather shorts. His stomach was bare. He had a loose black top on and black leather strap going around his throat.**

**As the music played, Harry began to slowly begin to swing his hips in time to it. And his hands strolled up to play against his stomach. Snape was torn between watching the hands or the hips. He gulped as Harry started walking towards him. His eyes glued to the way Harry's hips swung about.**

**1 We've both had our share of doubts**

**Waited out those old storm clouds**

**Boy its nights like this that I know why**

**Lovers like you and me**

**Will never say Die**

**Harry licked his lips and brought his hands up to play with the ends of his shirt. "What do you want Severus?" Harry whispered. Severus just looked up at him. Lust clouding his eyes. Harry chuckled and leaned down. He moved his hand down to stroke Severus's thigh, letting it travel higher. He smiled as he felt Severus get hard.**

**Harry leaned down and started to nibble and bite Severus's ear, making him moan in response. He stopped only to whisper in his ear. "What do you want Sev?"**

**"Bloody hell. You." Severus growled. Severus made a grab for him but Harry grinned and danced away from him.**

**Cause there's a long line of folks giving up on love**

**So many hearts get broke in the push and shove**

**I believe in you for the rest of my life**

**Baby lovers like you and me will never say die**

**Severus growled. Harry turned towards him and slowly slid his shirt up his chest and over his head. Exposing his lean chest. Severus gulped and moaned, making a move to remove his own shirt but was stopped by Harrys voice calling to him. "Don't. Leave it all to me."**

**Severus stopped and just stared. Harry bent down to take off his boots, flinging them across the room. Next turning around so he was showing his backside to Severus. And he bent down to take the Mesh stockings off. Severus groaned.**

**Tears of joy and tears of pain**

**Tears say more than words explain**

**There's no need for words here tonight**

**Next Harry reached down to play with the buttons of his shorts. "Harry, quit teasing me." Severus groaned. Harry shrugged and began to unzip them and pulled them down.**

**We've both felt each others powers**

**Tender touch in the wee small hours**

**Strong enough to hold us a lifetime**

**Lovers like you and me will never say die**

**Cause there's long line of folks give up on love**

**So many hearts get broke in the push and shove**

**Severus growled and stood up. He lunged for Harry and caught him in his arms. He brought him closer and crushed his lips to his. He and Harry played a game of tongue war. Harry brought his hands up and dragged Severus's shirt over his head and tossed it to the floor.**

**He ducked his head and licked one of his hard nipples. Severus gasped and groaned. Severus grabbed Harry and threw them both on the bed, lips locked together.**

**I'll be believe in you for the rest of my life**

**Baby lovers like you and me will never say die**

**Oh lovers like you and me**

**Will never say die**

**This is my first story like this. So, sorry if it's bad. Please tell me.**

Snape took the filthy book and tossed it in the fireplace, where it burnt to pure ash. He turned his attention to the arrogant boy, who face was full of fear and disgust. _He assumes I wrote that_, Snape realized in horror. Clearly, Potter would be traumatized by this. And quite frankly, Snape didn't want to recall this either.

"Stay here, Potter! I'm going to make a Memory Potion so we can forget all of this."

"How long will the potion take, Professor?" Harry asked in desperation.

"Roughly four hours. Once we take the potion, we will pass out for a few minutes. But upon being awoken, we shall forget everything that has happened in the last twenty-four hours."

Harry sighed. He loved the sound of that potion.

"In the meantime, why don't you catch up on that Potions homework you were supposed to turn in _three weeks ago, Potter?"_

Harry pulled out his Potions book, eager to do_ anything_ to drive out that bad memory.

"It is done!" Severus Snape called after a long time, 'Come drink this, Potter!"

Harry took a glass Severus filled with the potion.

"Now, be warned, you will faint the moment you have finished drinking." Snape reminded him.

Harry nodded that he understood. "Who do you think wrote that, Professor?"

"No idea." Snape said, who began to drink his potion. Snape then fell to the floor.

Harry looked at the potion. That fall looked pretty painful.

_Which is worse_, _the physical pain or falling to the floor for a moment or permanently remembering **Never Say Die**?_

He immediately drank the potion.

Thirteen minutes later, Snape woke up. Snape was surprised to be on the floor. He was even more surprised to see that brat sleeping a few feet away from him.

"POTTER! WAKE UP!"

Harry woke up in astonishment. "Professor, why am I here?"

"I have no idea, Potter. What time is it?"

Harry looked at the clock. "It's four in the evening."

Snape looked over to see where that awful smell came from. "Memory Potion."

"What does it do?" Harry asked.

"It permanently wipes all memory you have of the last twenty-four hours," Snape explained, then looked at Harry in realization, "you made me drink this, didn't you Potter!"

"What, no!"

Oh, yes, you did," Snape insisted, "I suppose you thought it'd be a funny prank. Then you realized you would get in trouble, so you drunk it as well as a alibi to avoid consequences! Well, guess what, Potter? You have detention for a week."

"But Professor-"Harry begged.

"Don't try anything, Potter." Snape said, "You are obviously guilty."

"Well, how do you know?" Harry demanded, "We have no memory, after all. Maybe we both agreed to drink this!"

Snape barked in laughter. "What could possibly be so bad I would willingly drink this potion?"


	2. Chapter 2

Albus Dumbledore was napping in the Head's Office, snoring rather loudly. But Dolores Umbridge and Minerva McGonagall, who were also there, hardly noticed, concentrating on a rather heated game of wizard's chess.

"Knight to B6," Umbridge said, causing her knight to move and stab McGonagall's king, "Checkmate!"

McGonagall studied Umbridge's smug face. "You cheated, didn't you?"

"I would never cheat," Umbridge lied, "I'm quite astonished that you-"

Before Umbridge could finish her sentence, Severus Snape ran into the Head's Office in rage, dragging Harry Potter by the ear. "THE ARROGANT BRAT POISIONED ME! EXPEL HIM!"

McGonagall sighed. Another one of_ these_ days. "What are you talking about, Severus?"

"I WOKE UP FINDING MYSELF WITH NO MEMORY OF THE PAST TWENTY-FOUR HOURS AND THAT BRAT A FEW FEET AWAY FROM A VAT OF MEMORY POTION!"

"Calm down, Severus," McGonagall said, "now, Memory Potion isn't poison."

"The brat forced me to drink it, then drunk it himself to avoid consequences," Snape insisted, "I demand to speak to the Headmaster."

Dumbledore was still snoring. Snape walked up to Dumbledore and screamed in his ear "HEADMASTER!"

Dumbledore jolted awake. Upon seeing everybody, he smiled. "Hello, Dolores. Hello, Minerva. Hello, Harry. Hello, Severus. How are you all today?"

"I demand Harry Potter be expelled from Hogwarts!" Severus Snape demanded.

Dumbledore sighed. "Remember our contract, Severus? When you signed, you promised you'd stop trying to get Harry expelled for no reason."

"No, I have a legitimate reason this time!" Snape insisted, "He forced me to drink Memory Potion!"

"I did nothing of the sort! Why would I have drunken it myself?" Harry said, "And how would I have known about it?"

"Granger or the Weasley brats would have taught you," Snape suggested, "either way, there's no way I would have drunken it willingly! It's a deeply dangerous potion."

"It would seem you both drunk it willingly at the same time," Dumbledore responded, "perhaps you and I should discuss it in private. Harry, why don't you stay with Professor McGonagall for a few minutes?"

"Since you're here, why don't you referee our chess game? Dolores cheats." McGonagall said to Harry.

"No I don't," Umbridge lied, "even watch, Mr. Potter. I play fair."

McGonagall snorted.

Snape heard McGonagall snort in disbelief as he and Dumbledore walked into the Head's bedroom. Dumbledore shut the door so they couldn't be heard. "Severus, you're being too hard on the boy."

"Why is it every time that somebody doesn't kiss Potter's ass, there being 'too hard' on him?" Snape demanded.

"You are blinded by hatred, Severus!" Dumbledore charged, "you are determined to memorize every sin he commits and ignore every bravery he endures."

"Well, there a lot I don't remember. Such as_ twenty-four hours I'll never get_-"

Before he could say "back," a owl swooped in and dropped off a package.

"What is it?" Snape demanded.

"It's apparently for us," Dumbledore answered, "'to Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape, the Heads Bedroom, Hogwarts.'" Dumbledore ripped open the package, "it's a book!"

They read the blurb.

**Dumbledore invites Snape up for tea but Snape is suspicious.**

"It's about us." Snape said in astonishment. He didn't recall giving permission to use himself in a book.

**Title: Come for Tea**

**Author: RavenRosebud**

**Pairing: Dumbledore/Snape**

**Rating:**

**Summery: Dumbledore asks Snape for tea but Snape has his suspicions.**

**Disclaimer: Not mine, HP characters and world belongs to JKR.**

**Feedback: Yes, please.**

**Snape was getting a bit nervous. He didn't understand what was going on. These last few weeks Dumbledore had been acting stranger and stranger. The wizard had always been polite to everyone but he seemed to be going out of his way to do things for him.**

**Two days ago he had walked down to the dungeon from his office to ask Snape if he needed anything from Hogsmeade since he would be going into town. Snape had refused but Dumbledore still picked up some of his favorite tea for him.**

**Now he was sitting at the head-table eating supper and he couldn't help but notice Dumbledore's glances. Snape looked up from his roast beef and turned his head towards the headmaster. He had been right. Dumbledore was looking at him, a small grin on his lips.**

**Snape nodded his head and went back to his food. He would never understand the old man. He jumped slightly when he felt a hand on his shoulder.**

**"Severus, would you like to come up for tea later?" Snape looked at the long white crooked fingers as they squeezed his shoulder. The man had a permanent lemon smell to him that stung Snape's sensitive nose. Dumbledore smiled exposing his yellowed teeth. With as much candy as the man ate Snape couldn't understand how he had any teeth left.**

**"I suppose I could come up for a bit. It will be late, I need to do the last step on the Wolfsbane Potion."**

**"Fine, Severus. I look forward to it." His smile unnerved Snape for some reason he didn't understand. Snape watched as the headmaster left the Great Hall mesmerized by the star and moon robes he wore. He had apparently spelled them so that the stars would blink on and off.**

**It was half past midnight when Snape finally made his way to the Headmaster's office. He had wanted to curl up on his overstuffed leather chair and finish his latest Tom Clancy novel. If he didn't owe so much to the man, he would have done just that.**

**"Severus, please come in." Once again Dumbledore had answered before Snape's fist had even touched the door. Candles had been lit and were floating around the room instead of the usual lighting. There was a hint of lavender in the air and the furniture had been rearranged.**

**Snape's throat suddenly became very dry. Was Dumbledore wearing new robes? His robes were a beautiful dark green velvet. There were no stars, no moons, no design whatsoever. His hair was tied back with a black ribbon and he was not wearing his half-moon glasses.**

**"Please, have a seat, Severus." Snape sat down on the brown suede sofa and smoothed his robes out. "I have always admired the way you dress, Severus. Your robes suit you very well." Snape could feel his cheeks grow warm and damned his light complexion.**

**He was aware of the heat of the other man before he realized he had sat down next to him. "Would you like a drink, Severus?" A plain white tea cup appeared before him and Snape grasped it in his hand. The familiar warmth calmed him.**

**The first sip told him something was wrong. It had been spiked with something very strong. Dumbledore had never given him anything but regular or herbal tea. Small puffs of air on his neck caused goose bumps to appear on his pale skin.**

**"Headmaster?" Dumbledore chuckled softly and placed a chaste kiss on the side of Snape's neck.**

**"Severus..." Snape sighed, it had been so long since someone had said his name like that. He found himself leaning into Albus's touch.**

**"Albus...what are you doing?" Dumbledore slid his hand up and down Snape's thigh loving the feel of his muscles twitching. He had known this would work out. He just had to be careful with him, treat him like a wild animal. No sudden movements, as long as he took it slow he would have just what he wanted.**

**"Severus, let me kiss you." He leaned in before Snape could answer and covered the thin lips with his own. Dumbledore nudged Snape's lips with his tongue asking for entrance.**

**Snape was in shock. Dumbledore was kissing him, he was trying to put his tongue in his mouth. Snape attempted to pull away but Dumbledore put his hand behind his head holding him in place.**

**Severus felt the long thin tongue force its way into his mouth. He was overwhelmed by the sour/sweet taste of lemon drops. Dumbledore's hands were cold as they reached inside his robes and caressed his chest.**

**He couldn't say no, not after everything the man had done for him. He owed him for the forgiveness and second chance he had given him so many years ago. He shivered when Dumbledore pinched his left nipple.**

**Snape sat there while his robe was unbuttoned and thrown onto the floor. Dumbledore licked and nibbled on the long neck before him. He pinched and chewed on the dark brown nipples causing Snape to whimper in both pleasure and pain.**

**Dumbledore kneeled in front of him and undid his black trousers. Snape's cock was limp and he refused to watch as the wizard took it in his hands and worked it to full hardness.**

**"Come here, Severus." He pulled on the man's wrists dragging him down to the floor with him. Snape stretched his long legs out in front of him. Dumbledore straddled his legs and leaned in for another kiss. This one was more passionate and urgent.**

**Snape could feel Dumbledore's hardness pressing against him causing him to tense up. "Shh...relax. I'll take care of you."**

**Snape did relax at that. Dumbledore had always taken care of him and he trusted that he would now. So, he let him take his shoes and trousers off, let him lick and suck his way up from his feet to his cock. He let him take his cock into his mouth and gently graze him with his teeth. Dumbledore sucked on him like he was one of his favorite sweets. When Snape came silently in his mouth Albus swallowed every drop and then licked him clean till he couldn't stand it.**

**Snape's hands shook as he removed the green velvet robe from the wizard's thin body. He was thankful for the long beard that covered the majority of his nakedness. He stood there before him in just a pair of black boxers that were covered with large yellow faces that appeared to be winking at him.**

**Dumbledore slipped his boxers off and sat next to Snape. "Severus, on your knees." Snape felt his nervousness coming back as he positioned himself on his hands and knees. He felt the hard unforgiving wood of the wand placed against him and heard the whispered spell.**

**Snape squeezed his eyes shut and bit down on his lower lip when he felt the head of Dumbledore's cock bump against him.**

**Albus couldn't help but moan as he slid into Severus, his dear Severus. He had waited so long to see him like this. He continued until he was fully embedded in him and took a moment to breath.**

**Snape clenched around the Headmaster's cock and heard a strangled growl from behind him before he felt the wetness inside of him. He hung his head down and waited for the wizard to say something.**

**Dumbledore waited for Severus to relax before he moved. He growled and whimpered at the same time when he felt Snape's muscles clench around him. He tensed and released inside of the body beneath him.**

**Dumbledore pulled out of him and sprawled out on the floor. Snape sat back on his heels and looked over at the older wizard. "Headmaster?"**

**Looking up at him from the floor, Dumbledore sighed. He had waited so long for this and he had came faster than a hormonal teenage boy. He reached out a hand and placed it on Snape's thigh. "I'm sorry, Severus."**

**Snape nodded his forgiveness to Albus and slowly stood up. He gathered his clothes and dressed while the headmaster remained on the floor watching him.**

**As he reached for the door he heard movement behind him. "Severus, perhaps you'd like to come for tea tomorrow evening." Snape glanced back for a moment.**

**"If I'm not too busy, sir."**

**Dumbledore flinched when he heard the door close. This had been his chance and he had ruined it. Severus Snape was not the kind of man to give second chances to people, but perhaps he would need one again soon, and then Albus would have his.**

Dumbledore though he might faint in disgust.

"WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS?" Snape asked, frantically checking the book for an author's name.

"They used the pen name 'RavenRosebud' which I am not familiar with." Dumbledore said.

"That's it," Snape said angrily, "were going."

"Going?" Dumbledore asked in confusion.

"Were going to my classroom to drink Memory Potion," Snape said, while throwing the vile book into Dumbledore's lighten fireplace, where it burned to ash.

"Is that really needed?" Dumbledore asked gently.

"_YES_." Snape insisted. Snape grabbed Dumbledore and dragged him to the hallway, ignoring the stunned looks of students, and then reaching the Potion's room.

Snape held up a cup of potion. "You first. I don't trust you."

Dumbledore sighed, but nonetheless drunk the potion and fell to the floor. Snape then drunk his own glass of potion. Thirteen minutes later, Dumbledore awoke.

_I appear to be in the Potion's classroom. And there's Severus, only a few feet away. We must have drunken this. But why?_


	3. Chapter 3

"…Then Snape called to have the Ministry arrest me for poisoning him and Dumbledore, which I didn't!" Harry finished of his retelling of the day's events to Ron and Hermione in the Gryffindor common room.

"It seems like whatever happened in Dumbledore's office lead Snape to drink more Memory Potion," Hermione noted, "and Dumbledore as well. Why?"

Before Harry could finish, an owl swooped in.

"My Advanced Arithmacy book is here!" Hermione said in excitement, "I've been waiting for weeks!"

"Actually, it's for all three of us," Ron said, "It says _To Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Common Room, Hogwarts, Scotland_."

The book was titled** Chargin d' Amour**. The author was called** PutMoneyInThyPurse**.

"Read the blurb." Hermione suggested to Ron.

Ron gasped in shock. "It says-well, you can see for yourself."

**Ron and Harry are a couple. Hermione is rejected... or is she?**

"You're not straight in this story," Hermione said for nobody's benefit, "maybe we should go to Professor Dumbledore."

"Maybe were better off with as few people reading this as possible." Ron suggested, imaging what Slytherins would say based on the blurb alone.

"Should we take a look?" Harry asked.

"I guess we'll read and if it's really defamatory, we'll go to the teachers," Hermione decided, "I'll start reading."

**London, 8:00 AM**

**She was in Hell.**

**Don't be silly, you're not in Hell, she thought, sensibly, as she rose mechanically, brushed her teeth, looked at her ugly, haggard face in the mirror. **_**Too ugly for Ron to want me**_**, she thought. **_**Or Harry, for that matter. Too ugly for anyone to want me**_**. She stared at her swollen-eyed, pillow-creased reflection with vindictive hate. **_**How could you ever have thought anyone could ever be attracted to you?**_** Disgusting, frizzy hair, pale ugly skin—**

"Your way to hard on yourself, Mione," Ron said, "I like your hair and your skins not ugly."

"But that wasn't me, it was Hermione who said that-I mean-" Hermione didn't know how to explain it, "It's not a true story."

**She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself out of the downward spiral. Resolutely, she splashed cold water on her face and avoided looking in the mirror. **_**I will not let this get the better of me**_**, she thought firmly.**_** I will NOT. Ron and Harry are homosexual, that's all there is to it.**_

Despite knowing it wasn't real, Harry and Ron took a few steps away from each other.

**Paris, 6:00 PM**

"Wow, you really get around." Harry said.

"I'd assume that I was leaving London and the school was in Paris," Hermione suggested, "but why? French wizarding schools usually aren't any better than those in Britain. Some are even worse."

**"Mademoiselle Granger!"**

**Hermione ground to a halt as the voice of her favourite professor, Amelie Boniface, stopped her at the entrance to the immense University Floo. Turning away from the two-metre-tall stone fireplace with its leaping green flames, she squared her slumped shoulders and turned to face her.**

**The professor, a short witch with straight mousy hair and intelligent dark eyes, fixed Hermione with a Look. "You are not yourself," she said in French.**

**"Everything's fine, Professor," Hermione answered haltingly in the same language. Speaking French was getting to be too much of an effort after a full day of classes. Her head buzzed.**

**"No, but truly, Mademoiselle Granger…"**

**"Am I in trouble?" Hermione asked, more sharply than she'd intended to. "I'd understand if you want to punish me for my inattention earlier…"**

**"**_**Punish**_** you?" The Frenchwoman seemed surprised. "No, of course not. I merely wanted to ask you if you were all right…"**

**"I'm fine," she sighed.**

**"If it is about Monsieur Weasley…"**

**Her head snapped up. "What?" she barked, in English.**

**Blessedly, Amelie switched to English too. "It is known, of course, that last week he announced that he now loves Harry Potter, but it is said that he was affianced to you before…"**

Ron and Harry blushed furiously.

**"How dare anyone gossip about us?" She was on the verge of snapping, her voice wild, and wondered vaguely how she was getting through this conversation without being expelled.**

"Oh, dear God." Hermione said suddenly.

"What?" Ron asked in horror.

"I think-I might be wrong though, that the story is going to pair _the three of us_."

Ron's jaw dropped in astonishment while Harry stared at the book in a combination of disgust and fascination.

**"I am sorry, but it is popular knowledge. The newspapers speak of it every day," the professor responded calmly, her voice so soothing that Hermione wondered just how desperate she must look. "I wished to offer you a few days' vacation," she continued. "Perhaps a week would help you to regain yourself."**

**"No—thank you," Hermione amended, trying to give the older witch an apologetic smile, only it came out as a grimace instead. "I'm sorry," she said. "But the best thing for me now is to keep at it." At the Frenchwoman's puzzled glance, she amended, "Keep working."**

**The professor nodded, slowly. "It is still possible to agree," she said. "I will give you the time until you recover from your…" Her English failed her. "**_**Chagrin d'amour**_**."**

**Hermione laughed, though it was tinged with hysteria, and all but toppled forward into the Floo.**

"Do you know French?" Ron asked Hermione.

"Yeah, I learned it over there the summer before our third year, remember?"

"What does Chagrin d'amour mean?"

"It means 'heartache.'" Hermione admitted in embarrassment.

**London**

**, 6:15 PM**

"Did I drop out of school?" Hermione asked in shock.

**She sighed as she tumbled out of the Floo into her living room, dark now with the early sunset.**

"Oh, you live here, but you Floo to Paris to go to school," Harry realized, "that makes sense."

"No, it doesn't," Hermione said, "Green Floo only works with Britain. In France, it's Red Floo. You can't Floo or apparate into other countries," she supplied upon seeing Harry and Ron's confused looks, "It's banned by the International Floo Treaty of 1976. The only way you could get to France is boat or foot, both of which would have taken my entire school day."

**Picking herself up and shaking her hair out of its painful knot, she murmured "Lumos Dissendium" – hell of a lot cheaper than feeding the meter, she'd give it that, not to mention more convenient – put the kettle on and headed for her desk, marveling that she still had a class for which to do homework after all but snapping Professor Amelie's head off. One thing about having French teachers, though, she smiled – they found **_**chagrin d'amour**_** a perfectly reasonable justification for poor academic performance, not unlike the flu. She hoped she'd refused the offer of a few days off with at least an appearance of dignity. It was bad enough that the romance of the Boy-Who-Lived was the talk of the Wizarding world, without her walking around looking like the jilted girlfriend. She did have her pride, after all.**

"Good to know I still have that." Hermione said sardonically.

**And, she thought as she spooned the tea into the pot, it wasn't as though she'd ever actually **_**been**_** the jilted girlfriend, **_**really**_**. Ron didn't owe her anything; he and Hermione had never actually gone through the motions of pairing off. She'd sort of assumed – she'd thought **_**he'd**_** sort of assumed – that the three of them would always be together, that they would be a family of sorts. They were the ones she'd chosen. She could have sworn **_**she**_** was the one **_**they'd**_** chosen. Yes, she'd thought about being Ron's girlfriend, but it was more than that. She had never dreamed that the three of them could be separated. Till death, and all that.**

"Were not going to be separated." Harry said. Hermione smiled. Though she would never admit it out loud, she often feared once Hogwarts was over they'd be done with each other. But she had never predicted Harry and Ron would date while she moved herself to a French school to hide from the fact.

**The kettle whistled and she took the charm off. Well, forget your childish dreams, Hermione. We can't stay Best Friends Forever. The adult world is all about coupledom, couplehood, whatever the hell you called it. "The animals marched in two by two, hurrah, hurrah," she found herself humming bitterly as she poured herself the tea. "Deal with it, Granger." Two people always paired off, leaving the third one out in the cold. The odd man out.**

**But she found herself stopping short at that statement, and only noticed that she'd frozen when the liquid she was pouring started spilling over the sides of her mug and overflowing onto the floor. She bent to mop up the mess, following the thought to its conclusion. She and Ron would never have left Harry alone. **_**Never**_**. Even when she'd daydreamed about being married to Ron, allowed herself to imagine what that would be like, there'd always been the vague but unequivocal notion that Harry would stay close by, the half-formed idea of the three of them living in the same house, lounging together on a sofa watching television or reading, the even hazier notion of tucking each other into bed. Even after Harry's schoolboy fling with Ginny had run its course, she had never quite imagined him getting involved with another woman – "or another man, for that matter," she found herself saying aloud; in her mind, he would always be there with her and Ron, where he belonged. She had never, ever imagined letting Harry go; she had been certain that Ron would never, ever cast Harry aside.**

**And never, but never, in her wildest dreams had she imagined that **_**she**_** would be the one cast aside.**

**"The animals marched in two by two, hurrah, hurrah," she sang loudly to snap herself out of it, her voice echoing loudly in the empty bedsit. She **_**would**_** get through this. Determinedly, she ferreted some chocolate-covered digestive biscuits out of the fridge, piled them onto a plate with the steaming mug, and carried the lot over to her desk, plunking it down, "The animals marched in two by two, the elephant and the kangaroo,"**

Hermione frowned. A long time ago, way before she knew about magic, this had been her favorite song. If the story went the way she was dreading, she doubted she would ever be able to listen to it ever again.

**she shifted a pile of old newspapers off the desk, "and they all went mar…ching…" she trailed off as a wayward **_**Prophet**_** slid out of the stack and she caught sight of the familiar photograph on the front page.**

**For a moment she could do nothing but stare mesmerized, again, at the week-old photo, though she had looked at it so often that the paper was worn at the edges now. BOY-WHO-VANQUISHED DARK LORD FINDS LOVE, the headline screamed. But nothing could be more eloquent than the image below the black letters: Harry and Ron, standing a little closer together than usual, the air of intimacy about them blindingly clear as they shuffled about like the schoolboys they had been till very recently, blushing and looking at the floor and smiling sheepishly. Nothing remarkable about that, right? But every few seconds, their eyes would rise and their gazes lock, and when they did, their faces were suffused with a light of love that was so true and genuine that Hermione wondered how she had missed it, wondered what kind of an idiot she was, and even more, wondered if she was a bad person for not being able to be happy for them.**

**They'd told her, of course, before coming out to the rest of the world. She remembered how it had been that Friday night, sitting together on the packing crates in the boys' just-rented charming little Chelsea two-bedroom, well and truly drunk on Firewhisky and basking in the glow of their friendship, of just plain being alive and well and together. They'd dropped the bomb after a lot of hemming and hawing and looked to her, almost anxiously, for approval, and of course, she'd given her blessing. Who wouldn't? God knew they all deserved whatever happiness they could get, and it wasn't as though she hadn't known it on some subconscious level, on Harry's part anyway, ever since the Second Task. "Of course we'll always be friends no matter what," she'd said cheerfully, and maybe, drunk and chipper, she'd believed it then. Believed it even when she saw that shining look of love on Ron's face, the one that used to be reserved for her, directed at Harry, even when she saw Harry's gentle face suffused with the strength and resolve that used to be reserved for battle, directed at anyone or anything that might stand in the way of his newfound love.**

**And then she'd Apparated back to her bedsit, and fallen asleep. But the next day, in the cold light of dawn, she'd really thought about it, about what it entailed. No more special, weak-in-the-knees sunshine-smile from Ron, for her, ever. No more tender, gentle hugs from Harry – she wouldn't initiate them, so as not to give the wrong impression, and she wasn't at all sure that Harry wouldn't give them up if Ron told him to. No more Flooing her friends at all hours – they might be involved in an… intimate moment. No more talking about everything – some things were private, not for her ears. No more dropping in unannounced – they might not want to be disturbed. The very notion that she was now a **_**disturbance**_** broke something inside her, just a little. Suddenly she was interference, she was superfluous… She'd dragged out the thesaurus that night and looked up all the synonyms for 'superfluous': "Redundant," she'd read aloud, nursing a drink of her own. "Surplus to requirements." At some point she'd begun weeping aloud as she'd read on: "Fifth wheel, unnecessary, inessential, extra, unneeded…"**

**She hadn't Flooed them all weekend, and on Sunday night she'd got an owl from them – strange how they'd moved from being Harry-and-Ron, her boys, part of that formerly-immutable **_**us**_**, to Harry-and-Ron the couple, divorced from her – asking her to come to the Burrow, where they were going to 'face the music' and come out in front of the Weasley clan. She never went; she couldn't face more public humiliation. Logically, she knew there really wasn't anything humiliating about it; the fact that she'd expected to become Ron's girlfriend had gone no further than the inside of her own head, and nobody knew that she'd expected Ron's and Harry's love for one another to make them One Big Happy Family instead of cutting her out – but she still felt like the one left behind. And it hurt with a pain that was beyond imagining. And knowing that everyone would know that she'd been left out…**

**It was just like being back at school again, just starting, friendless. Only it was worse, because her friends had abandoned her. She looked at the paper again, saw the love palpably glowing between her two friends, and knew that she would never share in it. With a cry she slipped out of her chair to curl up onto her side on the floor. "Nox," she whispered before starting to weep, a keening sound that was wrenched out of her. Before, when she had cried, Ron had always, with endearing awkwardness, tried to comfort her. Harry was even worse, but he cared, and if he'd been here, she wouldn't have felt so alone. She bit the knuckle of her forefinger to stop the sobbing and tried to pull herself together. **_**You're not friendless, Hermione,**_** she chided herself. Of course, there was always Ginny, but she doubted that an owl saying, "Your brother and ex-boyfriend are shacked up. Leave Neville to his own devices and come over here at once so I can cry on your shoulder" would be a welcome arrival during the honeymoon. She giggled hysterically and moaned in grief, unrelenting. They were warm and together and they loved each other and she… she was out in the cold. Because she deserved to be, she supposed. Sooner or later they would have found out how unlovable she was and left her to her own devices. Better it should happen now while she could still pick up the pieces. Better she should be quickly disabused of the notion that anyone could ever love her, the presumption of thinking that her best friends would always want her around, would never realize how unwanted and unwantable and useless she really was…**

**Her hands crawled up to her face, feeling it as though for the first time. "useless," she whimpered, "useless." Slowly, then more harshly, she squeezed and kneaded the unlovable flesh, wanting to gouge out her eyes, her cheeks, her lips, her ugly, ugly self… her sobbing became moaning, and little by little she allowed herself to fall apart. Clenching her teeth, she swept the papers from her desk and sobbed until, no longer able to remain upright, she tumbled off the chair and curled up on the floor. Her nose was clogged from weeping and she fumbled around for a tissue, and finding none, blew her nose noisily on the hem of her robe. No wonder no-one could love her, disgusting as she was, swollen and snotty and bloated and weak and vulnerable and pathetic… "They'll never love me," she gasped out through her tears, knowing she was wallowing but unable to help it, "never, never, never, never, never…"**

"Well, this isn't a very happy story." Ron said.

**"Hermione?"**

**She scrambled up at the voices coming out of the darkness, shocked. But there was already wandlight, and before she had a chance to work out whether she was angry or shocked or relieved, they were there, on either side of her, holding her, her Harry and her Ron, crooning to her – "It's all right, it's all right, there, there, don't cry" – no, not her Harry and her Ron, never again, and at this betrayal she gasped out another shuddering sob, and yet was too pathetically weak to push them away, or even to protest the invasion of her privacy, too weak to do anything but throw herself into their embrace and weep, feeling as though she were heaving out chunks of her soul in some kind of bizarre emotional vomitus.**

"Emotional vomitus?" Hermione asked, confused at the odd phrase.

**She didn't know how long she stayed that way before Ron spat, "We are such gits! We should be hung drawn and quartered!"**

**"You can't be serious, Ron," Harry's voice came out of the gloom.**

**"Of course I am, mate! Just look at her!"**

**The sense of being discussed permeated the fog of Hermione's emotions. With an effort of will, she disengaged herself from their embrace and sat up properly. "Just look at who?"**

**The guilty silence led her to think she had come to the right conclusion. "Are you talking about me?" She did have some pride left, after all. "I'm perfectly all right."**

"I doubt that." Harry snorted.

**Ron snorted. "Yeah, you weren't just crying your guts out because you thought we'd abandoned you."**

**Hermione jumped to her feet, eyes blazing. "How dare you, Ronald Weasley! Get out!"**

"About what I had expected." Ron said.

**She didn't really expect him to leave, and he didn't disappoint. "I don't see you denying it." He rose, looking at her face in the dim wandlight; he must have seen something there, because he nodded grimly. "It's true, innit, and we're gits." He sighed, and even in the gloaming she could see his expression softening. "How can we ever make it up to you, love?"**

_**Love?**_** The word sent her mind reeling so that she couldn't think. Was he toying with her emotions? Or just making free with the terms of endearment, not realizing that they cut into her like knives? "I…" She shook her head, trying to find words that would salvage her pride, trying to understand why he was playing with her like this. "Why…" She broke off and tried again. "What…" no use. "I… I think you'd better leave," she said finally.**

**"Hear us out first, Hermione." Harry's quiet voice cut through the darkness, surprising her.**

**She wanted to say **_**What could you possibly have to say to me, the fifth wheel?**_** But instead, she said nothing, and waited, her heart pounding uncomfortably now.**

**"When we…" he took a breath, and his words came tumbling out. "We never meant to hurt you. I want you to know that, whatever you decide. And we'll always love you, and…"**

**"Way to get ahead of yourself, mate."**

**"Look," she said, feeling the need to get control of the situation, "I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me, I…"**

**"It's not about that at all! Just give us a second, would you, Hermione!" Ron snapped. "Neither of us is very good at this…"**

**"That's just it, isn't it?" Harry said quietly. "That's the mistake we made in the first place."**

**"What **_**are**_** you two talking about?" Slowly, she felt her innate curiosity spill over, getting the better of her hurt feelings and even her heartbreak. "What's going on?"**

**"Can we get some light and maybe put the kettle on?" asked Ron. "This might take a while."**

"Yeah, it's definitely taking a while." Hermione said.

**She turned up the lights before thinking to put on a glamour, and the sympathy in their eyes when they saw her clawed and swollen face was almost more than she could bear. "Who did this to you?" Harry whispered, rising to stand close.**

**"Nobody," she said shortly, turning to the kettle.**

**"Hermione," said Ron, "we want to…"**

**"Help?" she snapped, busying herself with water and teabags. "I'm fine."**

**"If somebody hurt you, Hermione," Harry began, "we're Aurors, we can investig…"**

**"Oh, all right," she snapped, knowing they would give her no peace. "I did. I did it myself. I was having a pity party, as you can very well see, so why don't you finish whatever it was you wanted to say and go back to your couplehood and leave me in peace!"**

**"Couplehood?" Ron asked, bemusedly.**

**"Couplehood, coupleness, coupledom, whatever the hell you call it. Holy matrimony. Or not-so-holy. The state of being in a couple." Her voice was taking on a waspish OED quality, she could hear it in her tone, but she was at the end of her patience.**

**"We don't want to," said Harry in a small voice.**

**She made a small, interrogative sound, though inside she was stunned. **_**What?**_** Trouble in paradise already? Was **_**that**_** what this was about? And they expected her to referee? How dared they?**

**"Mm," Ron grunted in uncomfortable agreement. "'S a long story, really."**

"Will this plot hurry up already?" Ron asked in impatience.

"I think the slower it is, the better we are." Harry said. He hadn't believed Hermione when she first predicted that they would be pair in three, but he did now.

**And as she turned slightly and looked into the concerned, troubled faces of the two people who meant more to her than anything in the world, she realized the question wasn't how could she referee; it was 'how could she not?' How could she **_**ever**_** turn them away when they were in need?**

**She squared her shoulders, turning back to the kitchenette and mentally braced herself. **_**You'll have to move on, sooner or later. And they'll always be your friends, even if it breaks your heart. What am I talking about? My heart won't break; I won't let it! I'm not one of those silly girls who…**_** She gave herself a mental shake. "Go on. I'm listening."**

**The kettle whistled and she poured the tea. Taking a cup each, they sat around the tiny kitchen table. Rising, Hermione retrieved her bottle of Firewhisky from the cabinet and poured a healthy tot into each steaming mug. Pausing to inhale the aroma, she raised it to her lips and took a swallow. Feeling much more herself, she faced the two of them. With an effort, she could almost feel like old times again. She reached for her bossy tone, found it. "Talk."**

**"I've been thinking about this a lot," Ron began hesitantly.**

**"That'd be a change, wouldn't it?" she quipped. "Sorry. Go on."**

**He blushed scarlet, looked down at the table. "We need you, Hermione."**

**"So I'd gathered," she replied. "The question is, in what capacity? Marriage counselor? Friend? What?"**

**"**_**Marriage**_** counselor!" Ron repeated, clapping a hand to his forehead. Then he raised his eyes to meet hers, and the concern in them sent a cold chill coursing through her body. "Is **_**that**_** what you think we came here for?" he shook his head. "What you think we want you for?"**

**Harry shook his head in frustration. "What he means is… we **_**need**_** you. We can't live without you."**

**She stared. "I'm not abandoning you, Ron."**

**Harry raised his head. "That's just it. There isn't a 'we' without **_**you**_** in there."**

**Hermione shook her head. Why was he speaking in riddles? "You've lost me."**

"You're not the only one." Ron said on confusion.

**Ron looked woebegone. "Yes, we have."**

Hermione snickered. "I suppose the author thinks this is angst."

**Hermione sat back in her chair. As usual, it was up to her to make some sense out of this mess. "Slowly. One at a time. What is going on?"**

**Harry took a deep breath. "Let me try, Ron. Remember, Hermione, when we met at our flat and told you? You know, about us?"**

**She nodded.**

**"Well…" He appeared to be searching for words. "We were so flush with finding out the one thing we **_**hadn't**_** known – that Ron and I loved each other – that we just plain forgot to notice what we **_**had**_** known, always have known." He paused, taking a sip of his tea, visibly gaining strength as the hot Firewhisky slid down his throat. "That Ron and I love you. Always have."**

**She shook her head. "Well, of course you do. I've always known that…"**

**"We can't be a couple without you, Hermione," Ron said flatly.**

**Her hands on the mug stilled, the implication of what he was saying sinking in. But there was too much at stake here; she had to make sure she got it right. "You can't be a couple with me either," she said, trying for lightness. "that's a trio."**

**"A trio then," Ron continued unfazed. "A ménage a trois,**

"DEAR GOD!" Hermione cried in outrage at the despicable phrase.

Ron snickered at Hermione's astonished reaction. "I didn't know you were a fundamentalist, Hermione."

"This is exactly what I feared!" Hermione cried, "We need to find out who wrote this!"

"Why don't I read?" Harry suggested, knowing Hermione was too angry to continue.

**whatever you want to call it. It's like Harry said. There's no **_**us**_** without you, Hermione."**

**She stared, a frown furrowing her brow. She had to get this absolutely right, had to make sure…**

**"That first week," Harry broke in, "we were so happy to have found out that we loved one another, we were – it was all so new, being able to hold Ron and kiss him and make love to him –**

Ron gagged while Harry looked like he might faint.

**and it was something we'd never, ever thought of doing, never thought we could do, we were flush with the excitement of it all…"**

**"And then," Ron added, "when we'd got the randiness out of our systems and could think clearly, we found out we were missing a piece. You."**

**"A 'piece'?" Hermione said coldly.**

**"Oh Hermione, you know what I mean," Ron said. "Don't tell me you haven't felt it, that the three of us are like pieces of a puzzle that go together like – like – like eggs and ham."**

**"You're mixing your metaphors," Hermione admonished, but a smile was tugging at the corners of her mouth, and the joy that was building in her was such that she was afraid to give it free rein, afraid to believe it was true lest it turn out not to be and kill her with disappointment. She lifted her cup, drained it, felt the jolt of strength. "Go on."**

**"It's always been **_**us**_**," Ron said. "Always ever only us. The three of us. And we were idiots not to see that."**

**"It's not the same without you," Harry volunteered. "When we do things, when we talk, even – even just sitting together, it's not the same. Never the same. There's always something missing, always. Without you, life's just – just…"**

**"Empty."**

**"Yeah."**

**"We didn't realize it because we'd never been without you before."**

**"But we found out in a hurry."**

**There was a pause, during which Hermione felt it was her duty to clarify matters, as well as salvage what was left of her dignity in case she turned out to be wrong. "So you miss me now that you're a couple? Is that it? That's what you came here to tell me?"**

**"Hell, no, Hermione," Ron said firmly. "We came here to ask you to marry us."**

"I think there are a few dozen legal issues we'll have to sort out." Hermione noted dryly.

**The room became very still. A brittle silence descended over them, both boys looking at Hermione, waiting.**

**"You know what you're asking, don't you?" she said.**

**Two heads nodded as one.**

**"And how do you know it would work?" She warmed to her subject with the experience of years of playing devil's advocate.**

"Merlin, Hermione, you never told me you had been hired by the Catholic Church," Ron snickered, "that explains a lot of the nun-like things you've said to us."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Hilarious, Ronald. Honestly, I don't even know what to think of this story."

**"We've never tried it before, these marriages always dissolve in jealousy and resentment and—"**

**The way he always had shut her up in her fantasies, Ron leaned forward and kissed her, slowly, giving her plenty of time to back out if she wanted to. She leaned into his touch with shameless eagerness. This felt like home, his hands tightly clasping both her shoulders, his hand lightly stroking the swollen scratches on her face—**

—**what? Since when did Ron have three hands?**

**She opened her eyes, seeing Harry had risen to place his hands on her face, in her hair, and kneeling before her, he touched his cheek to Ron's, and raised his mouth to hers, and her arms went around both of them, and they embraced her, and she was whole.**

**"I thought I'd been rejected," Hermione blurted as they pulled away. "Oh shit, I shouldn't have said that."**

**Harry let out a breath and Ron cursed softly. Rising, he took her hand, and pulled her over to him, sitting with her in his lap, and Harry knelt beside them, his arms around both their waists. "Hermione, we could never reject you," Harry said gently. "You're part of us. You're our friend, you're… you're us."**

**"Not to mention the sexiest arse on the planet," Ron added, squeezing the object of conversation. Arousal burst through the top of Hermione's head, literally blinding her for a split-second. At her shuddery intake of breath, Ron hitched her slightly backwards so that her bottom dangled in mid-air above his thigh, leaving her soft flesh free to be touched and squeezed. Just as she thought she would explode from the unbearable throb in her loins, it was augmented by the addition of Harry's hand, squeezing her other cheek, less firmly but with a feathery, delicate touch that made her break out in goosebumps and her heart pound.**

**With a squeak, she fell into the dizzying vortex, for a moment allowing herself to be lost in the thrill of their combined caresses, squeezing herself against Ron's conveniently placed firm thigh, wondering if it were possible to achieve orgasm from this touch alone, before sternly coming to herself. Hermione forced her eyes open, her mind to concentrate. **_**This isn't the time**_**. She slipped out of her haze of arousal just in time to hear Harry saying lightly, "Sexiest arse? What about mine?" He patted and felt some more. "We'll have to conduct comparison trials." There was relish in his voice, and Hermione's heart fluttered, both at his touch and at the tone, but she had to be on the lookout for potential pitfalls. That was her job. That was what they wanted her for; that was what she did, be the sensible one…**

**"Sexiest female arse," Ron answered with a smile. "Harry's got the sexiest male arse, Hermione, wanna cop a feel?"**

Hermione gasped in horror. "Let's go to Dumbledore."

"Well, we could only do that if it has a dirty ending," Harry noted, "so we'll have to read on."

**It had become entirely too hot in the room. She was having palpitations, but forced herself to be sensible. "See? What about jealousy?" Hermione asked sensibly. She hoped she sounded sensible, but the gasping of her fevered breath made her sound a little less sensible than she would have liked, all things considered.**

**" Jealousy?" Ron paused, still stroking her buttock. " Dunno," he said, mock-meditative. "I think I might be jealous if you shagged another bloke, other than me and Harry, that is."**

**"Oh, you!" She gave him a little punch on the arm. "I mean of each other!"**

**"Come on, love," Ron remonstrated. "Since when have we been jealous of each other?"**

**Hermione and Harry both looked at him pointedly. "I **_**seem**_** to recall…" Harry began.**

**"Hey! Whose side are you on, anyway?"**

**"So," Hermione, losing patience, decided to answer her own question, "we deal with jealousy as it comes and hope for the best?"**

**"Yeah," Ron sighed in relief, "that's about the shape of it, yeah."**

**"On the premise that it hasn't split us up yet, and won't now?"**

**"Sort of," mumbled Harry.**

**"Isn't that a bit optimistic?"**

**"Well, of course it is," Ron replied. "That's our job. Your job is to point out all the dire consequences."**

**She was glowing inside now, and it shone in her voice as she snapped the requisite "I like that!"**

**"Excuse me," Harry cut in, "but aren't we supposed to be having some sort of scandalous three-way sex right now,**

"PROFESSER MCGONAGALL!" Hermione cried in outrage.

A weary McGonagall entered the common room. "What is it, Miss Granger?"

"Well, we found something." Hermione said vaguely.

**being an unconventional liaison and all?"**

**"Yeah, you still haven't felt Harry's arse. I'm telling you, Hermione…"**

**"That's **_**if**_** I say yes," Hermione said pointedly. "I still haven't, you know."**

**Ron looked positively horrified at the thought that she might still say no. "But you kissed us!" he yelled.**

**She shrugged, smiling, relishing her power. "So what? I also kissed Viktor, McLaggen, Tonks…"**

**"I don't want to know who you've kissed!" He did a double-take. **_**"Tonks?"**_

**"Well, it was New Year's Eve, and we were all drunk…"**

McGonagall's face turned pale. "Who wrote this?"

"They call themselves **PutMoneyInThyPurse**." Harry said.

**She blushed. It must be a combination of the alcohol and the warmth of them, the way she felt lit up like a lamp. How easy it all was, the fun, the banter, the… "I can't lose you again," she said very seriously. "I couldn't cope."**

**"Oh, love…" Ron pulled her close, kissing the scratches on her face, her eyes, her brow, as Harry turned her hand over and kissed the palm, and each finger in turn, lovingly, reverently. "You could never lose us. You never did. We were idiots and we never meant to hurt you, never…"**

**"Never," Harry echoed. "And there really isn't an 'us' to lose without you, anyway."**

**"I thought I was unlovable." Damn the Firewhisky, anyway.**

**For answer, Ron pulled her closer. "Says the brightest, most desirable witch on the planet," Harry said gently. "Remind us how many proposals you've had in the last six months, anyway?"**

**It had been a game, to count them, but once Harry and Ron had got together she'd stopped finding it funny. "I lost count after twenty-five," she admitted, and began to grin like a fool. "But I didn't want them," she blurted. "I wanted you. Both of you," she hastened to add.**

**"For which I'm eternally grateful," Harry said, "and I'm sure Ron is too, because we don't deserve you."**

**"Let us make it up to you," Ron said.**

**"Yes. Let us."**

**Hermione looked from one to the other, and tried to shake the feeling that she was in heaven. The effort turned out to be more than she could handle, and unproductive, anyway. It came out in a silly question. "So do I say "I do, I do" or just "I do?"**

**"That's your job," said Ron. "You're the one who gets to research how we make this legal."**

**"Just for a punishment, I might make you two do it." A thought struck her and all the happiness drained out of her. "That isn't why you…"**

**"Why we what?"**

**Their embrace felt oppressive and she wriggled out of it, rising. "Is it that you just need me to – to plan things and do research?"**

**The stunned, stricken expressions that looked back at her told her all she needed to know even before they started babbling. Harry was saying to Ron "Oh nice going, mate! Now look what you put into her head!" and Ron apologizing – "I'll do all the research myself! I don't even want you to look at a book if you don't want to!"**

**"Hermione, we don't want you for anything! We just love you…um, for, for everything you are, everything you do. The way you chew your lip when you're thinking. The way you play with your hair. The way you love reading. The way you give us orders," Ron started, and Harry took up the speech.**

**"The way you boss us around. The way you try to be serious and we have to talk you out of it. Your laughter. Your—your crying. And most of all, because you're part of us. You and me look after Ron. You and Ron look after me. Me and Ron, if you'd let us—we'd look after you."**

**"Now and always," Ron added.**

**She looked from one to the other, love filling her with inexpressible joy. The way they sat there was just so sweet—wanting to get up and touch her, but scared to, though whether they thought she would belt them or shatter at their touch she didn't know. With sudden certainty, she knew they'd be sitting there forever if she didn't go to them. Really, what would they do without her? The thought made her laugh out loud.**

**They were still watching her anxiously, and the fear on their faces chased the last of her doubts away, gave her a feeling of power which wasn't generous or magnanimous; but having them completely in the palm of her hand, if only for a moment, was the only thing that could have completely washed away her **_**chagrin d'amour.**_

**"So what do you say, Hermione?" Ron asked anxiously, giving voice to the thought she could see mirrored in Harry's wide eyes.**

**There was only one thing to say, really, and she said it as she went to them.**

**"Let's have a feel of Harry's arse then. Oh—I do. And by the way, don't worry about the license. There are lots of forms of Wizarding unions that are magically and legally binding. You know, during the Goblin Wars…"**

**THE END**

**Epilogue**

**Paris, 7:35 PM**

**Dr. Amelie Boniface subdued a prick of conscience as she concentrated, staring into her crystal ball. This was an inexcusable use of her Gift, not to mention an unpardonable invasion of privacy, but she was seriously worried about the young Mademoiselle Granger. Her tight, brittle control, her haunted eyes, her hysterical laughter as she had toppled into the Floo… She had seen **_**jeunes demoiselles **_**like that doing themselves an injury, even, Heaven forfend, taking their own lives in the throes of a failed **_**amour**_**, and the more controlled the person, the more she feared a complete breakdown. She would just take a very quick look at her young student, the merest glance, just to make sure she was all right, and slip back out.**

**The world fell away as her vision tunneled down and she reached for her affection for the bright young**_** Anglaise**_**. Her eagerness to respond in class, her wild hair, her tight, wounded expression as she had left…**

**The haze in the crystal cleared and she heard a moan, saw a blurred movement. **_**Oh, non! **_**That sounded like a cry of distress. She focused harder, tightening her grip on her wand. There would be no time to Apparate if what she feared was true, but one Patronus and she could alert emergency lifesaving services to…**

**She blinked as the view cleared, the image for a moment indecipherable in its unexpectedness. A hand kneaded a curve of flesh, a gravelly voice saying in English, "That's it, just how he likes it. Now stick your finger in, there's a girl…"**

**"Ooh, does he always wriggle like that?"**

**"You're using my weaknesses against me!"**

**"'Course we are, old son!"**

**Was she in the wrong vision? Arms and legs blurred, bafflingly. She pulled back—**

**-and froze. Harry Potter, face-down on a bed, moaned and bucked as Mademoiselle Granger's finger found a sensitive spot **_**dans son cul**_**. Ronald Weasley nodded encouragement, kneeling face-to-face with her student above Harry Potter on the bed with one hand underneath him and the other fondling Mademoiselle Granger's breasts. Her other hand was reaching for Ronald Weasley's erection, a veritable pillar of healthy, young flesh that made Amelie clench her knees—**

**WHAT was she doing? She flung herself out of the vision, heart beating furiously. For a moment she just sat there, then started to laugh.**

_**Ménage a trois**_** might be an unconventional cure for**_** chagrin d'amour**_**, but it seemed to be working just fine.**

**Now where was that husband of hers when she needed him…?**

**THE END (really!)**

A eerie silence entered the room. All four were blushing with fury.

McGonagall sighed. "Did one of you three write this?"

"NO!" the 'golden trio' insisted.

"It was set by an anonymous owl." Hermione explained.

"I suppose you want to forget about this?"

They nodded.

"Very well, we'll go down to the Potions room and find Severus to get some Memory Potion."

"Is that a good idea, Professor?" Harry asked, recalling Snape's anger earlier that day.

"Of course it is. Now Granger, bring the book with you."

Hermione froze. "You want Snape to read this?"

"If he doesn't, he'll accuse you of trying to poison him again. Now let's go."

Reluctantly, the three followed the stubborn professor to the potions room where Dumbledore with Snape were looking at some potion.

Dumbledore greeted the room. "Hello Harry. Hello, Hermione. Hello, Ron. Hello Minerva. And hello, Severus, but you were already here."

"Are you making Memory Potion?" McGonagall asked.

"Indeed we are. There have been surprising cases of students from all four houses being sent indecent stories and requesting Memory Potion, so Severus agreed to make more."

"Well, I have one more request." McGonagall said. She grabbed** Chargin d'Amour** and had Dumbledore and Snape read through it. Though nobody said anything, Snape was giving the trio a nasty smile.

"I suppose the six of us will have to have Memory Potion." Dumbledore decided "I'll go first, and then Harry and Severus will go at the same time. Mr. Weasley and Miss Granger can go whenever they want. Minerva, you'll drink the potion once we woke up to prove that nobody forced us to."

Dumbledore then took a swing of Memory Potion and fell to the floor. Then Snape and Harry went at the same time. All three falls looked quite painful.

"Professor, what do we do about the story?" Hermione asked.

McGonagall walked over to Snape's light fireplace and threw it in. "There. It is no longer a problem. Now, who will go first?"

Hermione sighed. "I will." She took a large drink then fell. Finally, Ron fell to the floor.

Thirteen minutes later, Dumbledore woke up.

"Hello, Minerva," Dumbledore looked around the room in confusion, "why are we in the potions room. And why is everybody napping?"

"You took Memory Potion." McGonagall explained.

Snape and Harry rose at the same time. "POTTER! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE THIS TIME?!"

"I did nothing, Professor." Harry said. Harry then looked over to see a sleeping Hermione and Ron snuggling with each other. Quickly, he looked away in embarrassment, which Snape took as a sign of guilt.

"HE FORCED US ALL TO DRINK MEMORY POTION!" Snape insisted.

"He did no such thing, Severus. It was my idea, actually." McGonagall corrected.

"Why?" Dumbledore asked.

"You asked me not to tell you."

"I DEMAND AN EXPLINNATION ABOUT THE MEMORY POTION POTTER!" Snape roared.

Hermione jolted awake. "Memory Potion?" she asked in confusion. Her eyes rose in shock when she saw her arms wrapped around Ron. When trying to release them, she woke Ron up. "Where dinner?" he asked.

"Well, I guess that's my cue." McGonagall then took a swing of Memory Potion and fell to the floor.

Dolores Umbridge came in. "Headmaster-"

McGonagall woke up. "Where am I? Why am I on the floor?"

"We've all drunken Memory Potion," Dumbledore explained, "but we don't know why. We can't remember which the point of the potion is."

McGonagall looked at Umbridge. "YOU DID THIS DIDN'T YOU?"

"I didn't," Umbridge said truthfully (a rarity for her), "I have no idea what you six have been doing. I just came to tell the Headmaster Peeves and Moaning Myrtle teamed up to destroy my office again."

Dumbledore sighed. "I'll send a clean-up team to fix everything. You can spend the night with Minerva while we clean up."

"But Headmaster-" McGonagall whined.

"No buts. Now, you three need to return to bed."

"Why do you think we drunk it?" Ron asked Hermione once back in the common room.

"I have no idea," Hermione said truthfully, "it's like all six of us saw something so traumatic we had to drink it."

Harry looked out the window. He had been hoping to get a letter from Sirius, but that so far hadn't happened.

"I guess it doesn't matter," Hermione said, "there's no way it'll happen again."


	4. Chapter 4

"I told him to be careful around Umbridge," Hermione said, referring to Harry, "but no, he goes and get's another detention."

Ron nodded to show he was listening. They were sitting in the common room on a rather boring Friday. With Harry gone, they had nothing to do. After losing at Ron to wizards chess, Exploding Snap and solitaire with Chocolate Frog cards, Hermione was done with recreation.

"I wish my Advanced Arithmacy book would show up," Hermione said, "I've waited for weeks now."

Suddenly, an owl swooped in and dropped of a book.

"IT'S HERE! IT'S HERE!" Hermione cried in pure euphoria. Ron was amazed such emotions could emerge from a mere book.

"Oh, it's not," Hermione said, "it's for _us_. _To Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, Gryffindor Common Room, Hogwarts_."

Hermione looked at the book. It was titled** The Shrieking Shack**. Beneath had the penname **Zsenya**.

"Hmm, it seems to be a history book about the Shrieking Shack. That might be interesting," Hermione then flipped over to the blurb.**Ron and Hermione share a special evening. I rated this R to be safe, but I feel that PG-13 is really more appropriate.**

"Ron come here and take a look at this," Ron read the blurb in shock.

"What, do you think we?-"Ron couldn't find the words.

"I guess we'll just look through it and see what it says." Hermione opened the book.

**The Shrieking Shack**

**A Harry Potter fan fiction by Zsenya**

"'Harry Potter fan fiction?'" Hermione repeated in confusion, "What is this nonsense?"

***contains adult themes***

Hermione gasped in astonishment.

(**would be rated PG13 in my universe, because I'd rather have kids watch sex than violence, but the MPAA would probably put R on this…)**

**Ron Weasley felt a bit silly peering out of a crack in the doorway of the darkened Charms classroom, but he reminded himself that the reward would be worth it. Ron was now in his seventh year at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. He was tall and gangling, although he had lost much of the awkwardness of earlier years, and had finally grown into his large feet and hands. He had bright blue eyes and an unruly mop of red hair, which had darkened only slightly since childhood. His numerous freckles had faded somewhat, but several persisted in living across the bridge of his long, narrow nose. These freckles, the lopsided grin, and overall confident swagger,**

"Swagger?" Ron repeated, "What does 'swagger' mean?"

"I have no idea, Ronald. Being the brightest witch of the era only goes so far."

**caused more than one female student to swoon when he walked by.**

Hermione snickered.

"What?" Ron asked in irritation.

"I was just thinking that maybe the author meant only_ two_ females." Hermione began giggling.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Just keep reading." He couldn't believe Hermione was ruining his dream.

**It was a little before 10 o'clock in the evening and Ron had just returned from Quidditch practice. Ron had played the position of Keeper on the Gryffindor Quidditch team since his fifth year. The combination of Ron and his best friend and co-captain, Harry Potter (who played Seeker) had provided Gryffindor with a perfect record for the past two years. Although he didn't like to admit it, Ron had a bit of the sixth sense about him, and he somehow always knew when the Quaffles were heading towards the goalposts, even before they'd been hit. He was a natural. It made up for the fact that his broomstick, a hand-me-down from his brother George, was a bit old and not very fast.**

'Well, the story's being realistic at least." Ron noted.

"Except that you don't cause females to swoon," Hermione giggled, "with the exception of Lavender."

Ron scowled. "Keep reading."

**The reward that Ron awaited was currently sitting in a classroom down the hall running a Charms study group. Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley had been an item since their fifth year at Hogwarts.**

Hermione and Ron blushed furiously.

**They bickered often, but not for long, and Ron had discovered that making up with Hermione was one of his favorite pastimes. Among her many accomplishments (she was currently Head Girl of Hogwarts, a title that gave Ron hours of material to work with), was the fact that she had broken the record for the most O.W.L.S (Ordinary Wizarding Levels) in Hogwarts history, earning herself a place in her most revered reference book. (A/N: For a detailed account of this event, please see "The O.W.L.'s" by Arabella)**

**They met often in this abandoned classroom.**

"So we can catch up on our homework?" Hermione suggested but she knew it wasn't true. She had a feeling of exactly what she and 'Ron' were doing in the Charms classroom.

Ron snorted. "I doubt that. Then again, I am with you in this story."

**Hermione's study group (which she had started on her own initiative to help struggling first and second year students master the basic essential charms, and to gain valuable teaching experience) met every Tuesday from eight to ten. Ron tried to make it a point to end Quidditch practice by that time. Hermione would never enter the abandoned classroom on her own initiative, "I'm Head Girl, Ron. I can't run around intentionally breaking rules," so every week, Ron devised a different way to trap her and drag her into the room.**

Hermione smiled at the idea of being Head Girl.

**He was eager to try this new spell, and shifted impatiently from one foot to another as finally some first and second years came chattering down the hall. Hermione was always conveniently the last to leave, "I've got to straighten up the classroom, don't I?" so Ron had a bit of time to get ready. **

**Finally he saw her coming down the corridor. Hermione had grown into an attractive and self-assured young woman. Her brown hair was still rather voluminous, but she usually pulled it back from her face with a large clip. Her figure was light and lively, despite the large bag of books hanging from her shoulder, and her eyes were deep and brown. She was walking more slowly than usual, and glancing around her as she walked, obviously on the lookout for whatever Ron had in store for her. He chuckled to himself.**

**Opening the door a bit more, Ron pulled out his wand and muttered "**_**Solum Muto!"**_

"What does that spell do?" Ron wondered.

"It doesn't exist, Ronald." Hermione explained.

**Instantly he lifted off the ground, spun upside down, and found his feet rooted firmly on the high castle ceiling. Creeping along quietly, he slid out the door, and waited in the corridor until Hermione passed right under him. Wand outstretched, he pointed it at her and muttered, "**_**Solum Muto" **_**a second time and Hermione shrieked as she too was pulled up towards the ceiling. Ron took the book bag off of her shoulder and dragged her into the classroom.**

"You put a book bag over my head?" Hermione asked incredulously.

"Well, no, Ron did-I mean," Ron didn't know how to explain, "It's not real."

**When they were safely on the ground, he put his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. They kissed softly.**

They blushed in embarrassment.

**Hermione put her arms around Ron's neck and gave him an approving glance. "The **_**Solum Muto**_** Charm. Very innovative. You never cease to amaze me, Ron Weasley."**

**Ron was still very good at blushing, and the tips of his ears turned pink, and his mouth twisted into a grin. He walked backwards, pulling Hermione with him, towards a pile of pillows that he had arranged on the floor. The pillows were kept in the Charms classroom to pad students who routinely fell to the floor when practicing things like Stunning Spells. "How was your day?" he murmured into her hair, as she reached up to kiss him on the neck. **

**"Oh," she answered lazily, biting his ear, "you know, the usual, schoolwork, lunch, charms, mysterious stranger abducting me from the ceiling…"**

**"Really? That's outrageous! Didn't he know that you were the Head Girl?"**

**"I expect that's why he abducted me – after my power."**

**"I don't know if your **_**power **_**is what he was after."**

**Hermione punched him playfully on the shoulder, and he grabbed her arm and pulled her down onto the pillows with him. Ron arranged himself so that he was comfortable and Hermione cuddled up under his arm, her own arm stretched out across his chest. Soon they were kissing each other again, more passionately and Ron threw his other arm around Hermione's waist, pulling her closer. Their hands began to wander playfully up and down each other's backs, and they drew even nearer together. When Hermione's fingers crept downwards, Ron had to muster more strength than he ever needed on the Quidditch field. He pulled away slowly and said in a very low and raspy voice, "Herm – Hermione – we'd better stop…"**

**Hermione flopped over onto her back on the pillows and sighed loudly. Truth be told, Ron and Hermione had been dating for two years, but busy schedules, battles with Lord Voldemort, Mrs. Norris (the tattle-tale cat belonging to Mr. Filch, the caretaker), and the troublesome Hogwarts full-length robes all made it very difficult for a young couple in love to do much more than kiss each other and grope.**

Hermione shivered in disgust. "Groping is not attractive. By the way, how does Mrs. Norris damage our love life?"

"I don't know," Ron said, "ever noticed she's called_ Mrs._ Norris. Is there a Mr. Norris?"

"Yes," Hermione said, "Bill told me that in his first year, Mr. Norris died overdosing on Memory Potion."

**"Ron," sighed Hermione in a very frustrated voice, "don't you ever think about…"**

**"Of course I do!" he answered, sitting up and pulling her close to him. "More than you'd like to think, I'd wager. But do you really want our first time – together – to be in a Charms classroom? Need I remind you how many times we've almost been caught in here? It's not very romantic."**

**"I know, but it's just, it's – just that I think about it quite a lot myself, I know you think I don't because I'm a girl – "**

**"You're **_**Head **_**Girl," interjected Ron playfully. Hermione ignored him, "and I know I said I wasn't ready this summer, but I'm sure I'm ready now, and it's driving me crazy! I mean, I love Hogwarts, but it's really ridiculous – we **_**are **_**both adults, we're not children anymore. We've stood up to the most evil dark wizard that ever lived! I never noticed it when we were younger, but the difference between the first years and seventh years is staggering. I can't **_**wait**_** to graduate. Having to sneak around to steal a few kisses. It's ridiculous." Hermione pouted and picked absentmindedly at the string on her robe, and Ron smiled to himself. Hermione was always able to turn anything that she wanted into a fight against injustice. It was thanks to Hermione, after all, that the house-elves now had one day off a month (that was all that they wanted).**

**"Look," he said reassuringly, looking into her eyes, "if that's how you really feel, I'm not going to argue with you – I'm a boy after all.**

"If the author is trying to imply men never fight, they must be forgetting your fight with Percy, your fight with the twins, your fight with your mum-which you backed down from rather quickly- and your fights with any random Slytherin. Not to mention Snape views fighting as ideal communication."

**I'll come up with a plan for us to be alone, you just be ready at 7:00 on Saturday night."**

**"All right," answered Hermione, giving him a pouty kiss, "I'll trust you to think of everything, but remember, this plan better not involve Invisibility Cloaks and the girls' dormitory – that was a disaster last time. Parvati still teases me."**

**They both giggled at this, and Ron heaved himself up out of the pillows and offered his hand to Hermione, who leapt up and walked with him back to the Gryffindor common room.**

"You choose the girls dormitory?" Hermione asked in outrage, "where you trying to get caught?"

**"Harry, can I borrow your Invisibility Cloak for a few days?" Ron addressed his friend, who was sitting on his four poster bed, adding wizarding photographs of himself and his friends at Christmastime to a large album. Ron could see his own family grinning and waving to Harry in front of a large Christmas tree at the Burrow.**

**Harry looked up at Ron, brushed his untidy hair out of his eyes and laughed, "You aren't thinking of sneaking into the girls' dormitory again are you? That was a big mistake last time."**

**Ron gave Harry a look that said 'drop it' and leaned forward on his bed. In a hushed tone he said, "I just want to do something special for Hermione on Saturday. I have a plan, I've been thinking of it for a while now, and I just need the Invisibility Cloak to execute it. She expressed an interest to be alone with each other for longer than ten minutes, and I'm not going to let the opportunity pass. I'm getting so sick of having to sneak around all the time. It's bloody ridiculous."**

"Well, I certain hope that doesn't mean where going to do anything in public." Hermione said. She and Ron giggled uproariously.

**"Tell me about it," agreed Harry, and then immediately looked as if he wished he hadn't said anything. Harry and Ron's younger sister Ginny had been dating for a year and half. Ron had not been receptive to the idea at first, even though Harry was his very best friend. He was very protective of Ginny despite the fact that Ginny didn't think that she needed protection. Ron had grown comfortable with seeing the two of them together, but he knew that Harry still thought that he cared more than he really did. Ron, always up for a joke, never bothered to correct this impression. Ron knew that Harry considered it an unspoken agreement between them that Harry and Ginny could do whatever they wanted, as long as Ron didn't have to hear about it, see it, or suspect it. Ginny, however, made that very difficult, by constantly doing things that she thought would upset her brother on purpose. She thought it was funny, and so did Ron, but Harry didn't want to risk losing the first and best friend he'd ever had. So, he cleared his throat instead and asked, "What's this secret plan?"**

**"Well," began Ron, his face getting the same intense look that it got whenever he played a game of chess, and talking very quickly, "can you think of anyplace that is abandoned, that we know how to get into, and into which no one else would ever think of going, except for us, because we know it isn't what it seems to be?"**

"The Room of Requirement." Ron answered.

"Brilliant," Hermione said, "rather indecent, of course, but brilliant."

**A grin spread slowly over Harry's face, "the Shrieking Shack?" he asked enthusiastically.**

"The Shrieking Shack?" Hermione asked in astonishment, "that's _the_ worst place you could pick, save Dumbledore's bed."

**"Brilliant! But, it's quite a disgusting mess in there. It's not very, well, romantic."**

Hermione snorted. "That's an understatement."

**"It's nothing that a little magic can't fix!" said Ron, grinning. That's why I need your cloak – I want to start working on it tomorrow."**

**Harry reached into his trunk and handed the shimmering cloak to his friend. "Enjoy," he said with a grin.**

**"Don't breathe a word of this to Hermione," threatened Ron, as he climbed into his bed, "you know she's going to try to get it out of you – not even a hint."**

**The next evening after dinner, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were sitting in the common room, studying. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all a bit tense about the N.E. , which were rapidly approaching, and none more than Hermione, who seemed intent on breaking a record there as well.**

**Ron stood up and said with a smile, "Well, if you'll all excuse me, I have a few errands that I have to run," and, not allowing Hermione time to react, he pushed through the portrait hole just in time to hear Hermione say with confusion, "errands? What errands? Harry – what do you know?"**

**He threw on the cloak and was just about to head down the corridor, when he remembered that he had forgotten his most important ally. Turning back, he removed the cloak and stuck it under his robes. He gave the Fat Lady the password (Nine Lives), ignored her grumbling, and climbed back into the common room. Harry and Ginny were now sitting very comfortably together on the same chair and Ron cleared his throat very loudly. He was really happy for his friend and his sister, but he had fun frightening Harry and maintaining the act of disapproving brother. When they noticed that he had returned, Harry tried to push Ginny away, but she just giggled and stayed rooted firmly to the spot.**

**Hermione was pointedly ignoring him. This was one of their many games. He knew that she was dying to know what he was up to and was trying to drag it out of him by not speaking to him. Usually, this strategy was very effective. This time, however, Ron adopted a breezy tone and said, "Hermione, where's Crookshanks? I need to borrow him for a few hours."**

Ron frowned. "Ugh, I hope where not into that sort of thing."

**Hermione didn't bother to look up from her book but he could tell that she was struggling, "he's right here, under my feet." **

**"Hello Crookshanks! Care to help an old friend?" Ron and Hermione's cat Crookshanks had not started off on the best terms, but as creatures that cared about Hermione, they had grown to tolerate each other. It might even be said that in his heart of hearts, Ron actually liked Crookshanks.**

**Crookshanks obediently crawled out from under the table in a very uncatlike manner and began to follow Ron towards the portrait-hole. "Don't worry," he called behind him, "I'll have him home before midnight."**

"I'd assume you're using the cat to lure me." Hermione speculated.

Ron grinned. "Do you want me to lure you, Hermione?"

"Ronald!" Hermione cried while blushing furiously.

**Swathed in the Invisibility Cloak, Ron strolled across the Hogwarts grounds towards a tree called the Whomping Willow. This tree was rather violent and tended to attempt to destroy whatever came within reach of its branches. Harry, Ron, and Hermione had discovered that the tree blocked the entrance to the Shrieking Shack during their third year at Hogwarts. The tree could be stilled by pushing a knot near the bottom and as Ron approached, Crookshanks, obviously realizing why he was needed, trotted ahead and pushed on the knot with his paw.**

**A door opened in the side of the tree and Ron and Crookshanks crept inside. There was a very low, long tunnel, which ultimately led to the inside of the Shrieking Shack. This dwelling was said to be the most haunted house in all of Britain. Harry, Ron and Hermione knew that the Shrieking Shack was not haunted at all. The screams and cries that Hogsmeade villagers had heard emitting from the building were produced by a werewolf named Remus Lupin, who had been their Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher four years earlier. Since almost everyone thought that the place was haunted, it had been abandoned. The windows and doors were boarded up so tightly from the outside, that no one would ever try to enter. Ron was sure that only a very select few would attempt to gain entry.**

**Once inside, Ron traveled down the main corridor to a creaky and dusty stairway. He made a mental note to clean this up as well. At the top of the steps, he turned to his left and headed towards a large room. It was in this room four years earlier that he and his friends had come face to face for the first time with Sirius Black. Sirius was Harry's godfather (although they didn't know it at the time) and they had been afraid that Sirius wanted to kill them.**

**Ron surveyed the room with an interested expression. He had not returned since that day four years earlier. His eyes wandered to the wall where Sirius had stood, and then spun round and stared at the bed where he had lain with his broken leg. The bed. Ron's ears turned pink despite himself. He had plans for this bed. He hoped that soon he would have more pleasant memories associated with the Shrieking Shack.**

**Ron pulled a tattered and stained book out of his bag and set it on a table near the front of the room. It was called "1,001 Helpful Household Hints" and he had taken it from the library earlier that day. He opened it up to a section labeled "dust." He was going to need a powerful spell to clean up the dust in this room. He wasn't quite sure where he was going to put it. After a bit of searching, he decided to use the **_**Pulverulentus**__**Expelo **_**charm. It would take all of the dust and suck it out of the chimney and into the night. Ron figured that if anybody observed a cloud of dust exiting the chimney of the Shrieking Shack, they would simply take it as another unexplainable mystery. He stood in the doorway, and, with a wave of his wand, uttered the spell. Dust began to swirl around the room, creating a thick, dense fog. After a few moments, however, the dust headed for the fireplace and exited up the chimney in a neat stream. **

**Ron stepped into the room and looked around to survey his work. The room now glistened and gleamed as much as it could, but the peeling paint on the walls, the tattered sheets on the bed, and the holes in the chairs and table still needed to be fixed.**

**Anxiously, Ron began scanning the book for more advice. He realized that he was going to need some supplies before continuing, and decided to spend the rest of the evening gathering them for the next day.**

**When Ron returned to the common room, it was late, and the place was deserted except for Hermione, who was sitting curled up in a large armchair next to the fire, reading a book intently. When she heard him emerge from the portrait hole, she jumped, closed the book hastily, and slid it underneath some others that were piled in front of her.**

**Ron, knowing Hermione only too well at this point, was dying to know what she had been reading, but maintained a poker face as he approached. **

**"Still up?" he asked with a grin, "decided to forsake sleep for a few extra N.E. ?"**

**Hermione smiled up at him, "I'll get some sleep soon, I just wanted to get some reading in before the weekend."**

"Weekends are no excuse to stop reading." Hermione insisted indignantly. Ron snickered.

**For some reason, she was blushing, and it took everything in Ron's power not to lunge for the pile of books in front of her. Instead, he collapsed into the chair across from her.**

**"Where did all of that dust come from?" Hermione asked suspiciously.**

**"Oh, somewhere…" answered Ron, knowing that she was trying to get information out of him. Hermione narrowed her eyes and stared at him intently. She pouted a bit**

"I do not pout nearly as often as this story says!" Hermione said.

"Yeah," Ron admitted, "at least, not quite as much."

**a gesture that Ron had grown to find irresistible, and he got up from the chair and kneeled on the floor next to her, leaning in for a kiss.**

**When they parted, Hermione's eyes were still closed, and a smile played at her lips. Finally, she opened them and gazed dreamily at Ron. Ron felt his heart do a somersault and, grasping her hand, he said intensely, "Hermione - you know - I - I love you. I really, truly do."**

**Hermione gasped, tears appeared in her eyes, and she flung her arms around Ron's neck. "Oh! I love you too, Ron! I do!"**

"Glad we settled that." Ron said. Hermione snickered at his comment.

**They stayed like that for a while, until Ron gently unwound her arms from him and said softly, "I think you need to get some sleep." Hermione agreed, and Ron helped her gather her things and carry them towards the girls' dormitory.**

**It wasn't until she had disappeared from sight, that he remembered that he had never found out which book she was reading.**

"Well, at least nothing dirty has happened so far." Hermione said.

**Ron returned to the Shrieking Shack the next evening, laden with supplies. He had a bucket of paint, sheets and blankets nicked from the Hogwarts' linen closet, a tablecloth, nails, and wood.**

**First he used the **_**Pictor **_**spell to paint the walls a glorious shade of blue. When he had finished, the whole room looked like it belonged in a different house. He tore the sheets from the magnificent four poster bed and used a charm to beat and clean the mattress. Then he placed the clean sheets on the bed and with a little magical help, fluffed the pillows and arranged the bedspread. The hangings for the four poster were still ragged, but he cleaned them up and tied them back with large dark green ribbons.**

**Using the **_**Reparo**_** spell, he mended the two chairs and table so that they weren't necessarily attractive, but they were at least usable. He threw the tablecloth onto the table and removed two candles and candlesticks from his bag, as well as two plates and sets of cutlery. Ron moved the table and chairs closer to the fireplace.**

**He sat on one of the chairs and looked around. It was a bit cold in the room, and he wondered if there was a way to set a fire in the fireplace without arousing suspicion in Hogsmeade. Sending a burst of dust up the chimney was one thing, but running a continuous fire was another. He decided to ask Hermione to cast one of her bluebell flame charms in the fireplace before dinner. That would give off heat and not create any smoke.**

**Ron cast a look around the room, and, making mental note of last minute accessories that were needed, he headed back to the castle.**

**As he walked silently across the grounds, his mind wandered to Saturday night. He knew that he and Hermione were planning to take a big step in their lives, in their relationship, in everything. They had discussed this all a bit over the summer, when Hermione had rationalized to him that they shouldn't rush into anything. He wondered if the growing threat of Voldemort was playing any role in her current change in attitude. Was she afraid that they were all going to die? Did she see this as a last chance? And they hadn't discussed the consequences at all. What if…well, what if something happened? Ron didn't exactly feel ready to become a father yet. Was Hermione taking precautions? Should he ask her? Why was it such a difficult thing to ask? No, he wouldn't say anything. She was Hermione Granger, cleverest witch of her generation **_**and **_**the Head Girl. Surely she would be thinking of these things. **

**Hermione met Ron in the common room at 7:00 Saturday evening. She gave him a shaky smile. Ron dragged her towards the portrait hole, scooping up Crookshanks on their way. Crookshanks didn't put up any sort of fight - instead, he closed his eyes and purred loudly. Hermione gave Ron a quizzical look, but said nothing as they climbed through the portrait hole into the hallway.**

**As soon as they rounded the corner, Ron pulled the Invisibility Cloak out from under his robes and threw it around both of them. Hermione groaned, "The Invisibility Cloak - Ron!" and then, after a moment's thought, "so Harry **_**does **_**know - he wouldn't tell me **_**or **_**Ginny a thing."**

**"That's because he's a true and loyal friend," said Ron solemnly. "Unlike you - I told you to trust me."**

**"I did **_**trust**_** you," retorted Hermione, "I just wanted to know what you were up to ahead of time."**

**"Yeah, well, curiousity killed the cat, didn't it Crookshanks?" muttered Ron, as he let Crookshanks down to the floor in order to scamper ahead of them.**

**As they neared the Great Hall, Ron ducked into a closet, yanking Hermione along with him, and extracted a large basket. "Dinner," he whispered.**

**"It's a bit cold outside yet for a picnic, Ron," Hermione whispered back. He attempted to tickle her waist and she squirmed, but couldn't go very far, for fear of falling out from under the Cloak.**

**When they reached the grounds and began to walk towards the forest, Hermione stopped suddenly, causing Ron to step out of the cloak for a split second. **

**"What?" he asked, laughing.**

**"I've figured it out!" said Hermione's voice from under the cloak.**

**"Well, come on then," answered Ron with a grin and together they ran towards the Whomping Willow.**

"That can't end well." Ron muttered.

**Once safely inside the tunnel, Ron removed the Invisibility Cloak and gave Hermione a quick kiss. She smiled, "I can't imagine what you have done here, but I am extremely curious."**

**They reached the entrance to the house and climbed in. Ron had cleaned the staircase and wound gold and scarlet ribbons throughout the railing.**

**"Oh! Ron!" gasped Hermione in amazement. "Don't get too excited," he said calmly, leading her up the stairs, "I only cleaned one room and the staircase so that's what you get to see."**

**Hermione was grinning widely by the time they reached the room on the second floor, but when she saw it, her jaw dropped in astonishment. She stood in the doorway, trying to take everything in. Ron reached around her shoulders to help her remove her cloak. As he did so, she walked slowly into the room.**

**"It's a bit chilly," said Ron apologetically, "I was hoping that you'd light one of your bluebell fires in the fireplace - they're smokeless."**

**"Certainly," said Hermione, obviously glad to be of some assistance, and she knelt by the grate. In a few moments, a warm blue flame was dancing merrily in the hearth.**

**Ron pulled out a chair at the table, which was set with Hogwart's gold plates, "My Lady…" he said, gesturing for her to sit down with a widely exaggerated sweep of the arm. Hermione looked a bit red and suddenly quite shy. They stared at each other and finally, Hermione put her hand on his arm and said softly, "Ron, would you, er, mind turning around for a moment?" Surprised, and curious, Ron nodded, not sure what was going on. He heard a snap, a swish of a robe, the sound of something being thrown on the bed, and then Hermione, clearing her throat, "All right then…"**

**Ron swiveled around. Hermione was standing in the same spot, but instead of her black school robes, she was wearing a beautiful burgandy-colored Muggle dress. It had skinny straps and a skirt that came just above the knee. Hermione was smoothing the skirt with her hands and gave Ron an expectant look. Ron opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Finally, he was able to whisper, "Hermione, you look beautiful." She smiled, looking pleased, and relieved, "my mother bought this and two others for me over the summer. I told her that there is no opportunity to wear these clothes at Hogwarts, but she got all teary-eyed and said that she'd 'always dreamed of taking her little girl out to buy pretty dresses,' so I let her. I was going to leave them at home, but she stuck them in the trunk when I wasn't looking…"**

**"I'm glad she did!" said Ron eagerly. As Hermione approached the chair, he reached for her and drew her into a kiss. **

**"Ron," she said breathlessly, "I'm not at all hungry, are you?"**

"It's _Ron_," Hermione said, "of course he's hungry. The question is how hungry is he right now?"

**Ron gulped, but something that had been bothering him all day flew into his mind. He pulled away from Hermione, keeping himself at arms length by gripping her shoulders with his hands outstretched. She stared up at him, surprised.**

**"Hermione," Ron said finally, blushing furiously and not knowing where to begin, "I just want you to know -" Ron stopped. Was he crazy? He had been waiting for this night, well, ever since he had found out that such nights existed, "look, what I'm trying to say is, we don't have to do anything that you don't want to do, I mean, if you aren't prepared, or - " Ron paused again, he was sounding clinical and definitely ruining the mood. To his surprise, Hermione was smiling at him.**

**"Don't worry Ron," she said, stepping closer, "I've taken precautions - the girls' dormitory has a whole library of useful books, including one called**_** The Wise Witch's Guide to the Womb**_**.**

Hermione couldn't help but laugh at the nonsensical title.

"Merlin, do they really have books like that?" Ron asked in shock.

"Of course not."

**I've already researched everything. There's a potion that you take once a month. I've been doing it since the start of term. I was reviewing it the other night and it all seems to be in order. And if it doesn't work, well, we'll be out of school before anything starts to show!"**

**Ron, who had been looking at her in admiration, immediately assumed an expression of horror on his face. Hermione giggled, "sorry - er - bad joke I guess."**

**"You've been planning this since the start of term?"**

**"No, well, not planning **_**this**_** exactly," she answered, sweeping her arm out to indicate the room, "but this night, yes. I wanted to be prepared though."**

**Ron stared at her in amazement, "so, its okay - you really want to - you're not just trying to soothe my male ego?"**

**"Oh Ron, I'm always trying to soothe your male ego," joked Hermione, and then grew serious, "but yes, I really do want to, but thank you for being so understanding. It means, well, it means a lot."**

**Ron put his arms around Hermione and sighed contentedly, and then, his lips met hers and they were lost in a kiss. That kiss, which was passionate, and tender, and made two sets of knees tremble, led to one of the most memorable moments in both Ron and Hermione's young lives.**

The pair blushed again.

**Several hours later, Ron Weasley lay awake on his back, Hermione's head tucked under his arm on his chest. She was resting and Ron thought that she had never looked so beautiful. Dreamily he reached forward with his free arm and playfully twirled a lock of her hair around his finger. Hermione's eyes fluttered open.**

**"Hey there," said Ron softly and a bit nervously.**

**"Hey back," answered Hermione with a smile, and Ron felt a wave of relief pass over him. He had been lying awake wondering what Hermione was thinking about. He knew that he had just experienced a feeling that he had never felt before, but he wasn't so sure about Hermione. He knew he had hurt her a bit, he had seen the tears in her eyes and tried to stop, but she had told him breathlessly that it was best to keep on. He had been careful, and he thought that she had finally felt some pleasure, but he couldn't be sure. **

**Ron thought back briefly to a conversation he had overheard during the summer. He had been on his way to sneak into Fred and George's room to take a look at the "library" under their beds. As he neared the door, he heard muffled noises and peeked inside to see George sitting on the bed with his head in his hands and Fred sitting next to him giving him a bit of a pep talk. "Don't worry George, women rarely do their first time." **

**"I know, but I think she really hated it."**

**"What did she say?"**

**"She said that it was…different…than she expected."**

**"Well, of course it was, that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy herself."**

**Ron could only assume that they were talking about George and his girlfriend Katie. George flopped back and on the bed and wailed, "I'm so embarrassed."**

**"George, just **_**talk **_**to her. She's probably embarrassed as well. It's like Quidditch, you have to keep practicing."**

**Ron had tiptoed away, but he was left with the impression that Fred and George's "library" wouldn't have all the answers.**

**He looked back to Hermione, "are you - okay?" he whispered, hoping that he didn't sound too worried.**

**"Wonderful," answered Hermione snuggling up to him more closely.**

**"But, didn't it hurt? Was it painful the whole time?" Ron pulled Hermione closer with his right arm, as if trying to protect her. She scooted up so that she was propped up on one arm, looking directly into his face.**

**"Ron! Don't worry!" She kissed the tip of his nose, "of course it hurt a bit -it's **_**supposed **_**to. And after a bit, it was very nice." She smiled mischievously, "**_**Wise Witch's**_** says that the more often that you do it, the better it becomes and that the pain goes away entirely. So, if you're really worried, perhaps we should try again…" She let out a small screech - Ron was now tickling her back, and she squirmed to get away. "This is the payback I get for being sensitive," growled Ron, "I'll remember this!" Suddenly, he remembered something, "Hermione, what book were you reading the other night in the common room?"**

**"What book?" asked Hermione, looking suddenly very flustered. Ron picked up on it and grinned, "I don't know which book - you were reading it when I came into the common room and then you put it away when you saw me. What was it about?"**

**Hermione looked down at her hands and bit her lip, "It was a sort of how-to book."**

**"A how-to book? How-to what?"**

**"How-to, you know, it tells you how to do something."**

**"Yes, I know the concept of a how-to book, but what were you trying to learn?" A light went on in Ron's head, "Hermione - you weren't trying to learn how to - did you really think that you could pick it up in a **_**book**_**?"**

**Hermione looked very uncomfortable, "Well, I was afraid I wouldn't do it right, I didn't want to look a complete fool, did I?"**

**"Your experience level is exactly where mine is. I wouldn't have known if you were doing anything right or wrong."**

**"Yeah, well, weren't you a bit scared? How did **_**you **_**know what to do anyway? Don't tell me it was pure animal instinct." Hermione's voice was becoming a bit high-pitched and defensive; Ron hoped that there wouldn't be a row.**

**"Fred and George have a nice little lending library under their beds," he admitted. "That's where I learned the basics."**

**"There you go," replied Hermione, still sounding defensive, "anyway, you can learn from books. If I hadn't done that reading, then I wouldn't have known how to…" and she named three things that caused the tips of Ron's ears to turn red enough to blend into his hair.**

**"Well," said Ron finally, with a bit of a sigh, "I will never **_**ever**_** criticize your dependency on books. **_**Ever**_**. What else did you learn?" He leaned in and kissed her and she put her arms around him, obviously eager to share some of her newfound knowledge. **

"This is pretty sappy." Ron said.

"Yeah," Hermione agreed, "but it could be worse."

**"Now I'm hungry!" giggled Hermione a while later, sitting up. Ron laughed, "I guess its all cold now, but we can warm it up - how about eating it here?" He reached for his wand, pointed it at the food basket, and exclaimed "**_**Wingardium Leviosa!"**_** The basket rose in the air and landed between them on the bed.**

**He opened it up and pulled out some pumpkin tarts and steak pies. They sat there, eating them on the bed, without aid of plates or utensils, laughing with each other at how silly they must look. Finally, Ron stretched his long arms and reached for his watch. "It's nearly one," he said, a bit remorsefully. "I hate to leave, but I really think that we should."**

**"Yes," answered Hermione wistfully, staring down at her hands, which were still holding half of a pumpkin tart. Ron put his arm around her shoulders, "why're you sad?" he asked gently.**

**"I'm not sad, I'm very happy, it's just that, well, this night has been so perfect, I hate for it to end. It just makes me long to be finished with school even more. I feel a bit silly having to sneak back into the girls' dormitory now."**

**"Hermione Granger, Cleverest Witch of Her Generation? Wants to be done with school? Am I hearing you correctly?" Ron assumed a look of mock surprise. Hermione shoved him, "**_**You **_**know what I mean. I love Hogwarts, I love learning, I just feel like I'm ready to go do my learning somewhere else without dormitories and Great Halls."**

**"I know," said Ron, rubbing her arm, "but it will come soon enough, and we can sneak out here as often as you want - believe me, I will find a way, I've no complaints." Ron snickered and Hermione laughed with him and together they gathered their things and prepared to head back up to the castle.**

**When they reached the common room, it was deserted. Ron walked Hermione to the steps of the girls' dormitory and pulled her into a long kiss. They stood that way for a while, and then, pulling out his wand, Ron conjured up a single, white rose, and handed it to her. Hermione smiled delightedly and then turned and floated up the stairs. Ron watched until she was out of sight.**

**Ron stood in the quiet common room for a few minutes, gathering himself, before he headed up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. It was dark and everyone was asleep, although a small light was coming from behind the closed sheets on Harry's bed. Ron sat down on his own bed and began pulling off his shoes. He threw the Invisibility Cloak towards the opening of Harry's curtain, and heard a muffled "wha?" as it landed somewhere on Harry. Harry leaned forward, parted the curtain, and grinned out at Ron. "Waiting up for me, Dad?" asked Ron with a grin. "Actually, just cramming in some more N.E.W.T. study. I didn't get as much done earlier this evening as I would have liked. So, was your plan executed successfully?"**

**Ron blushed and looked down at the ground. Through a very wide smile, he mumbled, "I don't kiss and tell, but yeah, you could say it was successful." With that, he pulled of his shirt, threw his legs up on to the bed, and flopped down onto the pillows, eyes closed.**

**Harry whispered, "Congratulations," back to him and retreated back behind his curtain. Ron fell asleep smiling broadly and had very pleasant dreams.**

**THE END **

"Ugh, I'm not going to get any sleep with that." Hermione said as she threw the book in the fire, "Let's get some Memory Potion."

"But Snape will accuse us of trying to poison him." Ron predicted glumly.

"Well, we'll have to risk it." They reluctantly walked to the Potions room. Snape eyebrows rose in surprise upon seeing them.

"As pleased am I am by this surprise; I am rather too busy to play the role of relationship counselor."

Hermione blushed. "That's not why we're here. We need Memory Potion."

"POTTER'S AFTER ME AGAIN!" Snape cried to the universe, "I SHALL UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES GIVE YOU ANY POTION!"

"Now, Severus," they had not noticed Dumbledore was there, "just a few drops of potion won't hurt."

Snape sighed in irritation. "Fine. But drink it fast, I have plans tonight."

They drunk the potion and fell to the floor.

"You don't have any plans." Dumbledore said.

"They don't need to know that." Snape responded.

Thirteen minutes later, they woke up. "Where are we?" Hermione asked.

"You're in the potion's room," Snape said, "you requested Memory Potion."

"But why? And why is Ron here as well?"

"Don't ask me. Oh, and you both have detention on Monday for bothering me."


	5. Chapter 5

"These students are woefully stupid," Snape said as he graded the little idiot's papers. Snape was grading the potions scores, but everyone had preformed badly except Granger. Of course, while she earned a 100, Snape only gave her a 99.99 because it would ruin her perfect grade.

An owl flew in and dropped off a book called** OMG! Snape Is Harry's Father!** With the authors name** HikariHeart.**

Snape fought the urge to vomit upon seeing such a vile title. Who would write such an awful thing.

**Once upon a time, not so long ago...in a place called Hogy Warty Hogwarts, there's was a boy named Harry Potter, and a professor name Severus Snape who taught potions. No, they did not like each other very much. Not one bit. You see, Harry's "father", James Potter, had saved Snape's life way back when, when they were just students themselves. Yes...yes, I know, how does that deal with Harry? Well...Snapey-woo has this little thing with grudges.**

Snape slammed his desk in irritation. Obviously, this was sent to him with the purpose of irritating him.

**Like the one with Sirus Black a.k.a Padfoot a.k.a Mr. I-Was-Convicted-Of-A-Crime-I-Didn't-Commit-And-I'm-Harry's-Godfather-Who-Can-Turn-Into-A-Grim a.k.a The Looser who tried to kill Snape way back when...now, don't get me wrong, I just adore Sirus Black a.k.a Padfoot **

Snape thought he might vomit. _Adoring Sirius Black?_

**a.k.a Mr. I-Was-Convicted-Of-A-Crime-I-Didn't-Commit-And-I'm-Harry's-Godfather-Who-Can-Turn-Into-A-Grim a.k.a The Looser who tried to kill Snape way back when, but that is besides the point. Anyway...Snape has held that one grudge on him for over 15 years or so. So has you can see, Snape is a pretty big grudge holder. **

**But there is another thing that most didn't know. Severus Snape had been in love (and had dated for a while) Lily Evans,**

"I never dated Lily," Snape said to himself. Indeed, he hadn't. He might have had a chance if he had kept his mouth closed, had stayed away from people like Lucius, had never uttered…why think back? It was too late.

**who just happened to be Harry's mum. Which cause a very interesting love triangle set up there, really...**

Snape froze in horror and wondered whether the love triangle they referred to was with _him and Potter_.

**On with the story. **

**Well, one day Snape and Harry were called down to Dumbledore's office.**

Snape snorted. _You call this an introduction?_

**"Aw. Good evening to you Severus, and to you Harry." **

**"But, sir, it's only noon..." Dumbledore blinked and waved his hand causing a window to come out of no where, because, after all, they were wizards. (Or 'Freaks' as Harry's Uncle Vernom and Aunt Petunia liked to call them) So, frankly, anything is possible, which becomes quiet obvious in a few moments or so.**

**"Ahh...right you are Harry, right you are...right you are. Now, back to the reason I called you both down here. Remus, Sirius, I think you two should take it from here." Snape and Harry then noticed Remus and Sirius for the first time, since they kind of just appeared out of no where...like apparating, which they can't do, actually, since everyone knows you cannot apparate or disapparate on and off of Hogwarts. **

**Anyway, Snape more or less hissed...eer...growled at those two,**

Snape nodded in approval.

**since like I said...Snapey-woo as this thing with grudges.**

Snape's approval ended on the spot._ If the author refers to me as "Snapey-woo" one more time, I will assure that he or she has bloody pain if I learn their identity._

**Well...due to Sirius being able to turn into a Grim, and Remus being a werewolf, they just growled right back at him...(Oh! Yeah! A Dog Fight! Woof!)**

Snape couldn't help but snicker, cursing himself for doing so.

**and after a glaring contest, we are able to go onto the barely existent plot here.**

_Why is the author acknowledging their work is no good?_

**"Right, anyway...Snape do you remember back in our Seventh Year when you dated Lily, after she and James broke up?" **

**"There were many times they broke up, which time was this?" **

_I never dated Lily. What a bunch of nonsense._

**"You dated my Mum? YOU DATED MY MUM?!" But, unfortunately for Harry no one was paying attention to him and so his questions of denial went more or less unnoticed.**

**"The third time I believe..." Moony (also known as Remus) looked at Padfoot with a judge.**

**"I thought it was the fourth, but it doesn't matter, actually...all I know it was during November of our seventh year..." **

**This is when Snape froze. "It was in November? I thought it was in May..." **

**"No, that was the year before that...and that's when you and Remus were dating." **

Snape dropped the book in outrage.

**"I thought I dated Remus in January of our sixth year..." **

**"That was Peter." Snape blinked for a second...**

Snape shivered at the idea of dating_ Peter Pettigrew._ But at least the book hadn't stated…

**"I thought I dated Peter back in our second year..."**

**"That was when we dated you greasy git..."**

Snape blood boiled. _Dating Sirius Black? This is crossing the line_.

**Anyway, after an hour discussion on who had dated who back in their time at Hogwarts and leaving a poor confused Harry...**

**"YOU DATED MY DAD?!" Harry shouted.**

**"Eeer...actually, it was Sirius and your Dad that dated…No, wait, I did date your Dad...back in our third year, I believe." **

Snape took the book and began slamming it repeatedly against the table. "I DID NOT DATE THAT FILTHY DISGUSTING JAMES POTTER! EVER!"

"What are you doing, Severus?" McGonagall entered the room.

"Nothing." Snape lied.

"Well, it was an awfully loud 'nothing' then," McGonagall said, "you were saying something about James Potter. What's that book?"

"Nothing," Snape said, throwing the book towards the fireplace. But McGonagall caught the book and read with a few light smiles Snape suspected where responses of the authors ridicule toward him.

"Why don't I read it out loud to you," McGonagall said, "you were at the part where you dated James Potter."

Snape was about to protest, but McGonagall read anyway.

**"Did everyone date everyone at one point in time?!"**

**"Yes...I believe, I think there was a threesome running around once too...What?! We were hormone driven teenagers with magical powers and our Muggle-Studies teacher's favorite Muggle thing was Soap-Operas!"**

**Then suddenly, Remus and Sirius remembered why they were all here in the first place because the non-existent plot needed to actually go somewhere.**

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "It seems to be a parody. But of what?"

**"Yeah...well, umm...yes. Eer...Remus?"**

**"Why do I always have to explain stuff like this! YOU WERE JAMES BEST FRIEND AND HARRY'S GODFATHER! YOU EXPLAIN IT TO THEM!" Sirius and Remus then decided the only way to decide who would tell was to have a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors...in which Remus won.**

"What a flawless strategy." Snape said dryly.

**"Dammnit..." Sirius mumbled under his breath, then took a deep breath.**

**"Snape...do you remember what year that our seventh year was in?" **

**"Oh yes...it was the1979..." Both Harry and Snape suddenly paled (Can Snape actually get any paler?) **

**"But would November of 1979 is nine months before July of 1980..." Sirius and Remus nodded.**

**"YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT POTTER/PROFESSOR SNAPE IS MY SON/FATHER?!" Both Snape and Harry screeched at the exact same time...and Sirius and Remus both nodded.**

**"Exactly." **

**Harry was not believing this. Professor Snape, his father? That is almost as bad as having Voldemort some how being related to him. **

**Professor Snape was not believing this, either. Harry Potter, his son? That is almost as bad as having Sirius has his brother! **

**"But...but...Then why do I look exactly like my Da…I mean, James if Snape is my father?" Harry asked Remus and Sirius, which had them both stomped.**

**"We have no idea...um...Dumbledore?" So, once again, Dumbledore took the stand. (You know, the purple one with pink Pokka-dots?)**

**"Ahh...yes, the reason is, um...because Snape is…Eeer…James's long lost...identical! Yes, identical twin brother who was secretly kidnapped by Mr. and Mrs. Snape when he was born!...And, who have secretly been giving Snape the Polyjuice Potion since he was one! Yes, that is it!"**

**"Ew...I dated my own brother? TWIN BROTHER?!" **

**"What?! It was the only explanation I could come up with!"**

**Everyone was silent...continued to be silent 'til Sirius started humming, and everyone else started twiddling their fingers...**

**"Well...um...Why don't you two have some father/son bonding, so we can end this?!" Remus suggested after an hour of twiddling his thumbs and listening to Sirius hum. And everyone nodded.**

**"I love you...eer...son..."**

**"I love you to...eer...Dad?" They, then, went into a father/son hug, that caused everyone else present in the room to go...**

**"Aww..."**

**The End (Thank God!)**

"Come with me!" Snape barked, dragging McGonagall.

"What are you doing, Severus?!"

"Getting a extra large Memory Potion!"


	6. Chapter 6

Severus Snape was no fool.

At least, that's what he told people.

But Severus Snape had made a crucial error of judgment. Usually not one to get carried away, Snape was fueled by hatred of James Potter. Hence, he dragged McGonagall out of the potions room to get Memory Potion from his warehouse where he kept exotic potions.

"Here we are!" Snape cried in cheer, holding a vat, "I have found Memory Potion!"

McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Severus, don't you think that dragging me here to drink potion against my will is just a_ little_ extreme?"

"NO! I _HATE _JAMES POTTER! NOW DRINK!"

Seeing she had little choice, McGonagall drunk the potion and fell unconscious. Snape followed suit. But Snape didn't realize that he had forgotten something:

The book.

He had left it on his desk.

Now, Severus Snape lay unconscious on top of Minerva McGonagall, unaware of the grave mistake that he had just made. Rather than destroy the book, he had allowed it to remain. And now it would end up somewhere he would have never wanted it to be.

Right in the hands of Fred and George Weasley.


	7. Chapter 7

_A?N: I realize it's been a long time since I made an update. But don't worry, I'll be updating more often from now on._

Severus walked to the Great Hall wondering what fresh hell today would bring. He had almost no memory of the last two weeks, but couldn't remember_ why_.

An owl flew in, which Severus didn't think much of. Then it dropped off a package.

_To Severus Snape, Potions Room, Hogwarts, Scotland._ Severus opened the package and found a book titled **Voldemort's ****CUPCAKES!** by** PinkMusicalCherry**.

Severus was astonished at the title. _Cupcakes and the Dark Lord? What is this_ _nonsense_? He began to read.

**A/N: This _very _random story just came to me – and I decided to share it with you! (You should feel very special). It's a little crazy – okay, A LOT CRAZY! Review if you like it! Xxo**

**SUMMARY: Voldemort calls a Deatheater meeting to discuss a VERY important matter... his missing CUPCAKES!**

**Thirty dark and heavily cloaked men apparate to a dim, windy graveyard. Each bear a sharp mask, hiding their identity. The men form an obviously rehearsed circle in a small clearing between stony tombstones and bare, swaying trees.. Each is silent and waiting...**

**Suddenly, from the shadows appears a thin figure with snakelike eyes and slitted nostrils. He speaks in a silky, chilling voice -**

**"I suppose you are all wondering why I have called you here..." Voldemort throws chilling looks at each of his Deatheaters in turn (this takes a little while seeing as he has thirty chilling looks to make).**

**After about ten minutes of chilling looks, Voldemort speaks again. "One of you has committed the utmost, undeniably worst sin anyone could ever committ – even more worse than being a one-year-old-curse-backfiring-scarheaded-baby!"**

**The Deatheaters shifted uncomfortably, wondering what had gotten their master so upset.**

**"One of you has... EATEN MY CUPCAKES!" Voldemort shouted the last part, and thirty Deatheaters stood gobsmacked with surprise.. fear... and recognition... then more fear.**

**FLASHBACK**

**All is happy and friendly as the unmasked deatheaters entertain themselves on their night off. They are holding a party (the location of said party can not be revealed at this time) and Voldemort will be showing up at any moment. Suddenly, there is the sound of a door opening and Voldemort walks in wearing... A TUXEDO!**

**"ARRRRGHHH!" Screams one man, thinking he's seeing an ugly, bald snake in a suit. He soon realises, it's his master – who has brought a plate of... CUPCAKES!**

**Voldemort breezes into the kitchen before placing his cupcakes on a nearby counter. He has picked them up for his long-lost son – 'Harry-but-Hotter'!**

**Voldemort leaves the cupcakes on the counter – he will collect them when he leaves – and goes to mingle with his minions. A couple of Deatheaters – totally drunk mind you – prance out into the kitchen arm-in-arm and spot a plate of delicious looking... CUPCAKES sitting on a plate on the counter. The pair each lift one up and scoff it down (this takes a good 0.43 seconds) before burping in pleasure. Suddenly one of them gets a great idea. He pulls down his trousers (Oh for the LOVE OF fruit HIDE YOUR EYES!) and lets out a whopping... FART! ALL OVER the... CUPCAKES! The other Deatheater giggles and snorts before taking a handful of (fart topped) cupcakes to share out with their fellow Deatheaters!**

**After hours of drunkenness and a not-so-sexy-as-disturbing table dance from Voldemort himself, the party ends with chummy hugs and not-so-chummy-as-homosexual snogs.**

**Everyone is leaving and Voldemort is the last one there. He stumbles into the kitchen, straightening his... TUXEDO... and comes across a plate covered with... CUPCAKE crumbs!**

**"AAAARRRGGHH!" Voldemort screams before picking up the plate and smacking himself in the head with it. "AAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!" Voldemort screams again (this time in pain) – he's not the smartest cupcake when intoxicated. Actually... he's not the smartest cupcake fullstop!**

**Voldemort decides a long cry would be best in this situation and sobs for a couple of hours, mourning his cupcakes and the fact that his long-lost son – Harry-but-Hotter! – will not get to taste his scrumptious... CUPCAKES!**

**END FLASHBACK**

**"So," says Voldemort silkily, "I want to know who ate MY CUPCAKES!"**

**The Deatheaters look around at each other. In truth, they can't rember much from the night before – except for one man who keeps getting horrible flashbacks of uncomfortably nice kisses with a bald, snakey man in a... TUXEDO!**

**"Well?" Asks Voldemort threateningly, "If none of you own up, I'm going to have to punish... ALL OF YOU!" Voldemort breaks of into not-so-hilarious-as-crazy cackles of glee.**

**"ARRRGGHH!" Screams a man as a not-so-sexy-as-disgusting GREEN BOOGER flies out of Voldemort's left, slitted nostril.**

**Voldemort recovers from his laughter and hurriedly buries the strangely big booger under some dirt.**

**Voldemort then thinks up the PERFECT punishment for his untrustworthy deatheaters. He snaps his fingers and his long-lost son Harry-but-Hotter appears... wearing a... TOWEL?**

**Now Voldemort's long-lost son Harry-but-Hotter is actually a... HOMOSEXUAL! Hary-but-Hotter turns around and spots the thirty Deatheaters – a decidedly hungry look crossing his features. Harry-but-Hotter has always had a thing for men in masks...**

**Voldemort looks at his long-lost son with pride and admiration in his eyes. He snaps his fingers again and his Deatheaters' clothing... DISAPPEARS! Not wanting to stick around, Voldemort apparates away... to make more... CUPCAKES!**

**Harry-but-Hotter has a very productive night indeed. He performs BUTT-SEX A HUNDRED and SIXTY TWO and a half TIMES!**

**The next day, Voldemort meets with his Deatheaters... they are all limping and can not sit down...**

**Voldemort makes a mental note to get Harry-but-Hotter some more... CUPCAKES!**

**A/N: The most craziest/weirdest story I have ever written!**

Severus stared in shock. He didn't even know what to think of that. Giving all the cracks towards Potter, it was probably the work of a Slytherin. He decided to tell Dumbledore about it in the Great Hall.

"Headmaster, I have been sent a book that seems designed to harass Potter. Prehaps you should look at it."

"What is the book called?"

"**Voldemort's CUPCAKES**!" Snape said, "it was written by somebody named** PinkMUSICALCherry**."

**"**Ah, **Pink Musical Cherry**," Dumbledore said, "how beautiful."

"Your familiar with her work?" Snape asked in shock.

"No, but the name reminds me of musicals and cherry pie, both of which I love dearly."

Fred and George Weasley choose that moment to walk up to the High Table.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Fred Weasley announced to the school, "'we have a-"

"-_very_ special reading for you all today." George finished. Many watched eagerly in anticipation.

Severus Snape was not numbered among them. "What the hell are you idiots doing? You have no permission to be on stage!"

"Now, now, Professer Snape," Fred said, "this reading greatly concerns you."

"We hope you'll enjoy it," George smirked, "Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for** OMG! Snape Is Harry's Father!**"

So began the worst moment of Severus Snape's life.


End file.
